


History Always Repeats Itself

by drewvansexy



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/M, Future Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-12
Updated: 2014-01-29
Packaged: 2018-01-14 23:21:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 26,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1282477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drewvansexy/pseuds/drewvansexy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been almost 2 and 1/2 years since the four girls all graduated Rosewood High. Aria, about to start her Junior year at University of California, Los Angeles, feels like she's finally let go of her past. Everything she left behind in Rosewood: -A, Ezra, and all of the bad memories were now forgotten. This was her year to start over... or it was supposed to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Spencer and I have been talking a lot lately, more than I have with Emily and Hanna… I guess Spencer and I just have more of a connection in that way. She still asks about how I'm doing with Ezra, and I always tell her that I'm fine. Everything is fine, I'm ok, and I'm completely over what happened two years ago. Somehow maybe I figured the girl going to UPenn was smart enough to figure out that nothing I said was true, but maybe I'm just a really good liar, something all four of us have had far too much practice in. The truth is, I really don't know how I'm dealing with the whole Ezra situation, a relationship that seemed so true and honest was just one big lie. I haven't even spoken to Hanna since the four of us last got together; I guess I'm still not over what she said to me when I first found out about Ezra. I suppose it wasn't too terrible, but it definitely caught me off guard. When your best friend calls you an attention-seeking slut who sleeps around with her teachers  _and_ her enemies… well that can put some strain on a friendship, even one as good as ours.

It was a few days after graduation when I went over to Ezra's to tell him that I had finally been accepted to UCLA, the college in his favorite city. Originally I had been wait listed and I was planning on attending Hollis to be near him, but apparently a few people rejected and I was high enough on the list. I knocked on the door but I was too excited to wait, and when I didn't hear a reply I just opened it myself. Despite how excited I was, I never did get the chance to tell him. That day, as it turns out, would be stuck in my brain forever; the day I saw the black hoodie, the same black hoodie that had been terrorizing me and the people who I love for years. At first I was trying to convince myself that it wasn't what it looked like, there are a lot of people who own black jackets right? It was the black gloves he had wrapped around his hands that finally told me the truth. He just sort of stood there, staring at me from across his apartment, and I was paralyzed. It was all a blur after that, maybe the only memories I have are what I saw through the tears in my eyes, but all I knew then was that I had lost the love of my life. The one person I trusted more than anyone had been fooling me since day one. He probably never even loved me, it was just some sick game to him. He was just as cruel as Mona, no, he was worse. He stepped closer to me but I screamed at him to stop. He was trying to explain something, but all I could think about was the giant hole that had been punched through my chest. I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't speak… I was completely frozen. When I could finally feel my legs I turned to the door and it was as if everything was slow motion. I slammed the door and started running down the hall and I could still hear him yelling after me. I left the next morning for California early and I never spoke to him, or saw him, again. Part of me wishes that I had let him speak, maybe then I would have gotten answers to the millions of questions I still have, but that was years ago, and I need to forget. As soon as I boarded the plane I knew that I would never be going back.

It had been awhile since the four of us had been together like this, it felt good just to spend time with them. At least I was already going back to visit my family because traveling from California to Pennsylvania for one lunch didn't sound like a lot of fun. But being together like this, it felt like old times, only this time we all felt safe. It wasn't the Rosewood Grill, but the food was decent. For old times sake Emily and Hanna got some cheese fries to split,

"So, have you signed up for your major yet, Spence?" Emily asked.

"Please, she's had her schedule picked out since she was a toddler…" Hanna said, "What about you, Aria?"

"English."

"English?" Emily said, "Isn't that a bit…"

"Useless?" I said, "Yeah, but only for someone who wants to actually do something with their life."

"Aria, you're going to eat those words once you become a best-selling author," Spencer said, taking a sip of her coffee.

"You better write about us!" Emily said, "Our lives make one hell of a story…"

Spencer turned to me and smiled, "You got that right."

"Oh god, please someone take these away from me," Hanna said, pushing the fry basket out in front of her, "I mean who would have thought we would find a place with better cheese fries than the Grill."

We spent the next hour talking and catching up. I forgot what it felt like to laugh this much.

"Alright guys, now that Emily and Hanna are done stuffing their faces, come on. I have some classes I need to get to." Spencer said.

"Wait seriously? We just sat down… Emily? Aria?" Hanna said.

I put down my soda and started to stand, "Sorry Hanna, I have to uhh… go too."

Emily grabbed her jacket, "I should probably get going too. My mom wants to see me again before I head back to Danby."

"Yeah I need to make sure I catch my flight, not everyone here goes to Hollis, Hanna," Spencer said, laughing.

Hanna frowned and got out of her seat, "Fine. Leave it to Spencer to take classes while we're still on break…"

We all left the restaurant laughing and went our separate ways, back to our own lives. It was sad that I wouldn't be seeing them for a while now, but to be honest, being with them brought back some pretty terrible memories. Things that I had vowed to never revisit or think about again. But Emily did bring up a good point… Would I ever write about what happened? It is a pretty great story, but the only question was if I would be able to complete it without going completely insane. Who knows, maybe in two years I'll finally be able to think about it without wanting to cry. I walked towards my car fishing the keys out of my purse, but I began to feel someone behind me, following me. I started speeding up, walking faster and faster but I kept hearing the footsteps getting closer. Suddenly somebody grabbed my arm and pulled me back,

"Aria, wait!"

I turned around to see Hanna, almost out of breath, "Hanna what the hell, you scared me half to death!" I said.

"I know, I know. Sorry, I forget that we're all still a little on edge," she said, releasing my arm.

"Hanna, it's fine. Don't worry. What did you need?" I asked.

"Aria, look. I know it's been tough for all of us, but nobody here would doubt for a second that no matter how hard it was for us, it was much worse for you."

"Hanna, I-"

"No let me finish," she said. "I know that we aren't as close as we used to be. We only see each other like this, all together. We don't talk as much anymore, and yeah maybe it's because of the distance, but we both know that it's not. I was a bitch, Aria. I was upset and angry and I took it out on you. I wasn't there for you when you heard about Ezra, I mean really all I did was rub it in your face. I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I understand that you don't want to be close anymore I get that. I just, I wanted you to know that I'm sorry, Aria... I'm just sorry."

"Look, I know everything with Mona was a little… crazy."

"A little?" she said.

"Okay, a lot," I said. "I understand why you were upset, and I guess I underestimated how unstable I was then. It was hard on all of us, and I don't want you to feel bad anymore. I was being selfish trying to put most of the pain on me, but it's ok Hanna, I forgive you." I reached my arms out for a hug and instead Hanna practically jumped me,

"Good because I missed you and I was so mad for what I did and I just really wanted to talk to you again like we used to and I thought you'd never forgive me and that we weren't going to be friends again and I'd lost you forever and I-"

"Hanna!" I said, cutting her off. As much as I loved her that girl knew how to talk... and talk…  _and talk_.

"I know, it's just... I'm really happy we're friends again… like, real friends. I love you Aria."

"I love you too, Hanna… I'll talk to you soon, okay?"

"Okay… but are you sure we're alright?"

"Hanna I've held a grudge for far too long, I promise that we're okay," I said. "Just like old times, alright?"

"Just like old times… I'll be holding you to that."

"I gotta go Han, don't want to miss my flight."

"You guys and your far away colleges... please call me sometime when you get home okay? Promise?"

I nodded.

"Alright, bye Aria!"

I watched as Hanna half-skipped half-ran down the street, it felt good to finally clear things up. It wasn't right for me to hold onto something that happened nearly three years ago. And I had to admit, I was more than happy that Hanna and I were on speaking terms again, it felt wrong not to talk to her. I guess I just felt that after what she said I didn't want to talk to her about anything, but times have changed and so have I. I had promised myself that I wouldn't let any of those things from the past drag me down, and starting this year I felt like maybe that was actually happening. This is my year to really start over, no distractions. This is my chance to have a normal life.

I nearly missed my flight, but at least I made it. I have the first classes of the year starting tomorrow and I couldn't miss those. It was about a five-hour flight but I slept for most of it, and for the rest I just watched whatever crappy movie they had playing... I can't remember what it was though, I wasn't really paying much attention. The plane landed in LAX at around 6:30 and I turned my phone on to see that I had three missed calls, two from Tony and one from Sam. Tony, my current boyfriend, was probably asking about the back to school party tonight, and Sam was probably just wondering when I would be getting back to campus.

Sam has been my roommate since freshman year. At first she comes off a little scary, kind of like Spencer, but once you get to know her she's one of the funniest and sweetest people you'll ever meet. We've been close ever since the first year, but I still haven't told her about anything back in Rosewood. I didn't want anyone to know what I had gone through, and I still don't. I don't want anyone treating me differently or thinking things about me because of my past, I just want them to get to know me, which is why Tony doesn't know either.

Tony and I have been together since the beginning of third quarter Sophomore year. Not a very long time but it's been fun, and it's done a good job of keeping my mind off of things, something I need right now. I can't say I love him, although I don't think I even know what that feels like anymore. My emotions got thrown off completely due to the whole Ezra situation. It was so real with him... well I guess it  _wasn't_ real, but it felt like it was. That was the most I've ever cared for someone, and I don't think I can ever feel that way again.

I waited for my bag and texted Tony that I wasn't planning on going tonight, I was too exhausted to even think about a party, and I called Sam telling her that I had landed safely and was going to stop to get food on my way back so I might be a little late. As carefree and wild as Sam was, she worried about her friends  _a lot_. It's just her nature I suppose, you know, some people are just born to care. I'm grateful for it too, it makes me feel a lot safer knowing that there's someone always looking out for me.

It was 7:15 when I finally was in my car leaving the airport. I was lucky to be hitting the road after rush hour, what is usually a 30 minute drive can take an hour or more in that kind of traffic... The joys of living in the city. I was starving, considering I hadn't eaten for six hours, so I pulled into the nearest shopping mall to grab some food. I was craving Chinese so I settled on Panda Express. I guess you can't really call Panda Express "Chinese", but I wouldn't necessarily classify myself as one to care about that sort of thing. Food is food. I walked out of the restaurant and the smell of the orange chicken was making my stomach growl. I was debating grabbing a chair and just eating it there when I looked through the window of the coffee shop across the street.  _No... I'm dreaming, I must be._ I rubbed my eyes over and over again trying to clear the image out of my head but it wouldn't go away. Suddenly he turned and began looking outside. I prayed that he wouldn't see me and that it would be too dark to see anything.  _This can't be happening. Not here, not now._ His eyes roamed for a while, but then it was unmistakable, his eyes quickly darted away and then slowly returned. He saw me. His jaw opened the slightest bit and his eyes stayed locked on mine...

_Ezra._


	2. Chapter 2

We stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. I felt frozen. I stayed there on the edge of the street, watching as he stood and made his way towards the door. Every part of me wanted to collapse. My heart was pounding, my head was aching and it wasnt until he walked out of the door and started to open his mouth that I was able to take control of my feet. I didn't hesitate; I just took off half-walking, half-running to my car. I couldn't tell if he was following me but I didn't dare to look back. I fumbled around in my purse for my keys just praying that he wasnt anywhere near me and jumped into my car.

It took me about 20 minutes to realize I was driving in the wrong direction, but I didn't care, I actually enjoyed the longer trip because it gave me more time to think.  _What is he even doing here?_  I mean I know that when I graduated he was offered a job to work at Rosewood High again, and I also know that he accepted it thanks to my father, but why was Ezra here in Los Angeles? I never even told him I was going to school here... It had been an extremely last minute decision and I never got the chance to tell him after... well the point is I never told him. So if his reason for coming isnt me, then what? And if it is me, it's been almost 3 years since the last 'A' message, why would he show up now? My head was racing with too many questions that I didn't have the answers to, and I had already made up my mind, no matter what happens this year, I'm starting over.

I pulled into the parking lot outside my dorm and glanced at my phone, 10 o'clock already, I guess I had spent way more time driving then I'd thought. I made my way through the hallway trying to avoid all of the people running in the opposite direction. I was wondering what everyone was doing going out on a Sunday, and then I remembered the party, and that not everyone chose to take a 9 am class. Lucky me...

I stumbled into my dorm room and fell onto my bed, "Hey Sam."

"What took you so long?" she said.

"I took a wrong turn and didn't notice. Have you seen Tony anywhere?"

"Yeah. He and Blake went to go meet up with the rest of the guys at the Back to School Party tonight. He told me he called you."

"Yeah he did, I told him I wasn't going though. Why aren't you there?" I asked.

"Wasn't really feeling it." she replied, shutting her computer and joining me on my bed.

"You weren't feeling it? Since when do you turn down a party?" I asked and rolled over to make more room.

"Someone had to make sure you weren't dead or something."

I felt bad that my stupid problems from high school were keeping her from having a social life, "Hey, I'm sorry. You know that next time you can just go."

"Aria it's fine, really, I don't mind."

We talked for a little longer and then finally she got off of my bed and climbed into her own, "Goodnight."

I reached for the lamp to turn it off, "Goodnight Sam."

That night I didn't sleep much. It was like my mind couldn't turn off and the thoughts just kept coming. I kept tossing and turning until I heard Sam groan and sit up,

"Aria what the hell are you doing its 2:30 in the morning... We have our first day of classes tomorrow," she said.

_2:30?_  So much for skipping the party,

"Sorry Sam, I just can't sleep... Time difference maybe."

"Time difference? It's 5:30 in Philly right now, shouldn't you be more tired..." she replied, mumbling every word.

"Whatever I just can't sleep, okay?"

She laid back down and rolled onto her stomach, "Well either figure it out or go keep the mice outside awake instead of me."

I knew it was going to be awhile before I would finally be able to quiet my brain so I left and rested in the main hall for what must have been hours. I laid there, alone with my thoughts, thinking about everything that had just happened. The next thing I knew I was waking up with my body nearly falling off of the couch and Sam shaking me,

"Dude..."

I sighed and shifted my weight back onto the couch, still facing down.

"Aria... Come on we have class in less than 15 minutes."

I sat up immediately, "Shit... Are you serious?" She nodded, "Uhh can you just go and save me a seat?" I said, already running to our dorm.

"Yeah sure, I wanna get a good look at this professor anyways, I hear he's really hot."

"Yeah, where have I heard that before..." I said quietly.

"What?" she replied.

"Sorry, nothing... Just go, I'll be there soon"

"Okay, hurry!"

It was taking me longer than I thought it would to get ready, since today everything just felt as if it was moving in slow-motion. When I finally was done getting ready I only had about 2 minutes until my class officially began, and it was at least a 5 minute walk from my dorm. I just hoped that Sam had saved me a seat close to the door.

What was meant to be a 5 minute walk turned into 10.  _What is happening to me?_  I just couldn't focus on anything and I hoped my favorite class would be able to grab my attention and pull me back into reality. Everyone I knew back in Rosewood figured I would have dropped the subject after what happened, but I guess Ezra was right about one thing, literature really was my passion. The joy I felt in writing was almost great enough to cancel out the memories of senior year... But I wasn't supposed to be thinking about senior year anymore, and I wasn't supposed to be thinking about him anymore. This wasnt supposed to happen, not this year. I finally got to my class and to my dissapointment it was one of the smaller lecture halls. Great... I looked for Sam through the door and found her in the second row, she looked at me and waved her hand for me to enter. I pulled the door open and before I even stepped into the room I heard his voice,

"Late on the first day of class, Miss-"

_No... This is my mind playing tricks on me, this isn't real, this isn't even possible._  I finally walked in but I kept my head down; I didn't want to look. I made my way to the seat next to Sam practically shaking and I somehow managed to keep my head down. I figured that he was searching for my name on whatever class list he had with him and when he finally found it I could feel something dropping deep in my chest.

"Montgomery..."

I finally gave in and looked up, meeting with his eyes, and I could feel a lump the size of a tennis ball already forming in my throat. If I didn't say something now I don't think I'd be able to hold off the tears. Our eyes didn't move and I could barely breathe, but somehow I was able to speak. I flashed back to myself in this exact moment, start of Junior year sitting in the English classroom uttering that same exact word, "Sorry..." I said, finally breaking his stare.


	3. Chapter 3

It was completely silent and I could just feel all the awkward stares from around the room centering their attention on me. Finally after what felt like forever, he cleared his throat, bringing the class's attention back to him,

"Yes well, as I was saying, I am Professor Fitz and this year our studies will include-"

I was already feeling faint and my mind would not stop flashing back to my junior year at Rosewood High. The room felt like it was spinning and I was sure that my heart had already jumped out of my chest. Sam grabbed my arm and tried to get my attention,

"Aria, are you ok? You don't look so good..."

"Huh?"

"I  _said_ _,_  you aren't looking so good, is everything ok? Did Professor Fitz, like, run over your dog or something?"

"What? No why would you ask me that..." I said, turning so that I could see her.

"Uh maybe because you two were awkwardly staring at each other for, like, ever. Do you know him?" she said.

"No, I mean kind of, he was just my high school English teacher..."

"Oh what did you like fail his class or something? Did he give you a hard time?" she threw her head back smiling, trying not to laugh as she mocked me.

"I guess you could say that..." I said and turned back to face the front of the hall. I was done talking about this, and I think Sam understood because she immediately stopped smiling.

 _My high school English teacher..._ It stung more than it should have to refer to Ezra like that, and it was basically a giant slap in the face to that first year we had together. I remember it so clearly, which I find strange since I've spent the last two and a half years trying to forget. I can remember sitting next to him as his stage manager (I admit, not the smartest idea on my part), and the day we talked about our future, or I guess we talked about if we were even going to have one.

* * *

_"The whole point of college is to broaden your world, not pack up your high school English teacher and bring him with you," Ezra said._

_I tilted my head, I almost couldn't believe what I had just heard, "You are not just my high school English teacher. Is that how you see yourself?"_

_He backed away from me, avoiding my eyes, "No. But you will, when the time comes," he said._

* * *

I remember opening my mouth to speak, but I just couldn't find the words. I searched his eyes for some sort of sign, something that would tell me he wasn't serious, but I knew that he was. I thought that he was crazy to think I would ever see him like that, but here we are, almost three years later and that's exactly what he is to me, my high school English teacher. Funny how these things work, isn't it?

I finally brought myself back from my little trip down memory lane just as Mr. Fitz- I'm sorry,  _Professor_ Fitz, was finishing up the syllabus for the year.  _For the year._ It just hit me that I would be sitting in this class every other day for the next year being taught by the one person I wanted to stay away from most. I probably could try to switch out into another class, but were there even any other classes for this major available? And if there were, would they be full?  _No._ I thought to myself. I wasn't going to let one person destroy the plans I had for my future. He had already destroyed my life in high school and there is no way I was going to let him ruin college for me too. This was supposed to be my year to forget, and if he wanted to show up and try and take that from me, I wasn't going to let him. I have new friends, a new boyfriend, and a new life. Nothing was going to change that, not even Ezra Fitz.


	4. Chapter 4

The rest of class went by agonizingly slow, but eventually the clock read 11 and it was over. The room was filled with 'thank you' and 'see you later, Professor Fitz' but I kept my mouth shut and my field of vision towards the door, wanting more than anything to be out of that class.

Sam was pushing me from behind, "Aria, could you walk  _any_  slower?"

"There are like 20 people in front of me."

"So?" she said, still pushing me.

"Sam, I think Blake can wait ten seconds before he sees you."

"Aria, it's our  _anniversary_."

"Yeah okay..."

"You wouldn't understand."

"What's that supposed to mean? Tony and I are fine..."

The crowd finally cleared and I could see Blake waiting outside. He waved to Sam and she smiled back at him,

"Oh please... That boy worships the ground you walk on. Tony is perfect, Aria. I don't understand why you aren't head over heels for him. It's like there's something in the way of your emotions that's stopping you from caring-"

"Miss Montgomery? Can I see you for a moment?"

I stopped and looked around, trying to find someplace to hide, but Sam and I were the last two students in the room. I turned around, and so did Sam. There it was again, the frozen feeling. I wasn't very fond of feeling like I couldn't breathe but that seemed to be happening a lot lately.

"Umm..." I was trying to find something to say but I had nothing. Hey, there's another thing I've been feeling too much of these past few days... speechlessness.

"It will only take a minute, Ari- ...Miss Montgomery."

"I should really be going..." I said and started walking again.

"Please, it's important."

I sighed and reversed my steps, "Yeah sure, I guess," I looked to Sam, "I'll see you back at the dorm."

"Okay, catch you later," she started walking out the door and then quickly turned and whispered in my ear, "You lucky girl..." she pulled away, winked, and ran out to meet Blake before I could say anything.

"Aria..." he said as soon as the door closed behind Sam. Ezra was looking at me, stepping closer but still keeping a safe distance between us.

"Ezra," I was in no mood to play games, "What do you want from me?"

"Aria it's not like that..."

"Why are you here?! What the hell could you want with me now?"

"Aria, I didn't even know you would be here... You said you were wait-listed..."

"Yeah but you see, sometimes people get off of the wait-list. I was on my way to tell you, but that conversation didn't exactly happen, did it?"

"Let me explain, I-"

"Explain what, Ezra? What could you possibly tell me that would make any difference?"

"Aria, please... Hear me out. I know I don't deserve it, but please. I'm sorry for what happened, I'm so-"

"No! You can't just say that you're sorry and make everything okay again. I'm not the pathetic, desperate victim that I was in high school. Nothing will ever change what you did. You betrayed me. You lied to me for two years... I don't think I can ever forgive you, Ezra."

"But that's not true, Aria. It was all real, everything we had."

"And I'm supposed to believe you?"

"I was trying to protect you!"

"I would use a different word. Maybe try, terrorize."

"No you're not listening to me-"

"Oh so you want me to listen? What so you can just lie to me some more?" I was more than done with him and I stormed towards the door, "I'm not as stupid as I used to be, Ezra."

"I was blackmailed!" Ezra shouted just as my hand reached out for the handle. I pulled it back and he stepped closer, "They threatened me... They told me if I didn't join them..."

I spun around to face him, "What. What did they tell you?"

"They said that they would hurt you, Aria."

"Hurt me? I'm pretty sure that's what they had been doing for the past two years of my life."

"No, you don't understand. It's more than that. What happened on halloween... It was a warning."

"A warning for what?"

"Aria you almost died! You almost got tossed out of a moving train because of me," Ezra took a few steps closer, "What was I supposed to do? I wasn't going to sit there and get you killed. They gave me choice, and it was either I join the team, or I lose you. Forever."

"Well, you lost me anyways."

"At least you're not dead!"

"How can I know you're telling the truth. How can I ever trust you?"

"Aria, please. I'm begging you. You have to believe me. I would never do anything to try and hurt you... I love you."

"Don't."

He was only a few feet away from me now, and I was trapped against the door. "I love you, I have always loved you," He said, continuing to move forward until there was barely a foot of space between us, "I looked for you, Aria. After what happened I tried to reach you but you were long gone by then. You never gave me a chance to explain, but I'm telling you now. Please, you need to believe me."

"I-I don't know what to believe," I adjusted the backpack on my shoulder, "But I have to go meet up with someone. Tony, my boyfriend."

"Well-"

"Don't, okay? He's actually really nice, and smart, and athletic, and outgoing, and-"

"Aria... You don't need to explain yourself,"  _This was junior year all over again_ , "You're entitled to be with whoever you want to. I just want you to be happy. That's what matters most to me, you know that," He paused for a moment and then looked over to his desk, "Then I guess I'll see you in class?"

"Yeah..." I opened the door and slipped out, pulling it shut behind me. "Yeah," I said to myself, "See you in class..."


	5. Chapter 5

I leaned against the wall, unable to focus on anything but the one question burning inside my head.  _Was he telling the truth?_  I wanted to believe him. I wanted to run into his arms and embrace him like I had years before, but there was still a part of me that couldn't trust him. Whether I believed him or not, it still wouldn't change anything. I started a new life here, and somewhere else he did the same. I was with Tony now and Ezra was with someone too, he had to be. He's charming, handsome, and could get any girl he ever wanted, but I wished for him to be single. I didn't want to imagine him moving on in the way I never could. The only thing I could do was convince myself that he was lying. Ezra never cared about me, he never loved me, and he only wanted to hurt me. That was the only truth I needed.

I looked up to see Tony jogging towards me, "Aria? Hey, I thought we were supposed to meet up after your class?" he said, catching his breath.

"Huh? Oh... Yeah, sorry I was late so I had to stay after. You know, catch up on what I missed," I said nervously.

"Alright... You okay?"

"Yeah of course why wouldn't I be?"

"I dunno," he raised his eyebrows, "You seem kinda out of it."

"No, I'm fine," I assured him. I was far from fine.

"You hungry? Blake said he wanted to meet for lunch, if that's cool with you."

"Yeah, starving. I didn't get a chance to eat this morning." I said as he took the bag from my shoulder.

His lips brushed against my forehead, "Come on."

I wrapped my arm around his as we began walking towards the cafe.

"We missed you at the party last night," he said.

"Yeah? How was it?" I asked, trying my best to sound like I was genuinely interested.

"It was fun..." Tony glanced down, meeting my eyes, "Would have been better if you were there."

"Yeah..." I lowered my head and stared at the ground, kicking the pebble in front of me.

I felt awful. I was ignoring Tony, not like he did anything wrong, but because I couldn't let go of what Ezra had said. It didn't take long for him to realize that I wasn't in a talking mood. After the third one-word answer he gave up and we walked in silence. I hated myself for not loving him the way I love, I mean the way I  _loved_ , Ezra. Tony could read me better than anyone. He knew exactly what I was feeling and he knew how to make it better. This time there wasn't a joke, kiss, or hug that would make this go away, and I hated Ezra for that. I fucking hated him.

Let this go down on the list of the longest meals I've ever had, or what seemed like it. The rest of the table was talking while I sat quietly, listening to the various conversations around me and thinking about Ezra. Anytime I made an effort to pay attention I had no idea what anyone was talking about. Thoughts of Ezra were swarming my mind and with every memory I could feel my throat starting to close.  _This is pathetic_ , I thought to myself. I was having an anxiety attack over a guy I met in high school. This was by far my lowest point. I had achieved rock bottom... Congratulations Aria, well done.

"Aria?" Sam shook my shoulder.

"What?" I replied, in a far more hostile tone than I had intended.

"Are you okay?" she looked concerned, more than usual.

"Yes, I'm fine! Why does everybody keep asking me that?"

"Maybe because you've been spacing out for the past 15 minutes," Blake joked.

 _It's only been fifteen minutes?!_  "Not helping. And nothing's wrong, I just remembered that I need to go call my parents about something." I started to get up, realizing now that I had forgotten my phone in Ezra's classroom. "Shit..." I whispered as I tried shaking my foot out from underneath the table.

"Aria is everything okay..." Tony stood up and helped me release my foot. I glared at him and he quickly changed his question, "I mean with your parents?"

 _Nice save._  "Yeah, they just want to talk about my next visit home."

Tony nodded and tipped my chin up with his index finger, "Okay, call me tonight?"

I gave him a smile as he pressed his lips against mine, "I love you," he said.

I was taken back, not because I'd never heard him say it before, but because this was possibly the worst time in the world for that, "I love you," I repeated, praying that it sounded sincere.

"Aria, you almost forgot this," Blake handed me my phone.

"Thank god, I thought I'd lost it," I brushed the hair away from my face and let out a sigh of relief, "Okay well, I'm gonna go now, bye."

I walked away from them as fast as I could. I needed to get some air, and more importantly, I needed to stop thinking about stupid Ezra Fitz. Let this also be on the list of the most stressful lunches I've ever had, right next to the one Ezra and I had with my mother.  _Dammit._

I finally reached my room and called the one person who might actually have an answer for me.

*Hey, you've reached Spencer Hastings. I'm busy right now so leave a message.*

"Fuck..." I whispered, hanging up and tossing my phone onto the bed.

I sat on the edge of the bed and took a deep breathe before grabbing my pillow, screaming into it as the tears started rolling off of my cheeks. I tried Spencer three more times before I eventually gave up. She was probably in class anyways. I stared outside the window before I finally decided to call Hanna.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Hanna. It's Aria."

"Aria?" she sounded dissatisfied.

"Oh, are you busy? I can call another time..."

"No, no. Its just... I wasn't expecting you to hear from you. I was afraid you weren't going to call."

"Hey, I promised. Didn't I?"

"Yeah, and I'm so happy you did. You are not going to believe what just happened..."

"Wait, Hanna," I blurted out before she could say anymore, "Me first."

"But," she paused for a moment then let out a sigh, "Fine..."

"I took my first English class of the year this morning," I stopped for a moment, composing myself before I continued, "Ezra Fitz is the professor."

She stayed silent, a horrible sign when you're talking to  _Hanna Marin_ , the most talkative person in existence.

"Hanna? Hanna, say something!"

I could hear the sound of parting lips and eventually Hanna managed to create words, "I'm, I'm so sorry... Aria, I can't even imagine. I mean, oh my god.  _Oh my god!_ "

"It's okay, Hanna. Really, I'm okay."

"Aria, you have to switch out. He's  _dangerous._ We didn't go through all of that -A bullshit in high school only to have a round two in college."

"Hanna..."

"What? I'm serious!"

"I know you are. It's just that, when he talked to me he s-"

"You talked to him?! Aria, what the fuck were you thinking?"

"Will you calm down for a minute?" I waited for her to interupt but she remained quiet, "Thank you. After class he pulled me aside and said... he said that he never got a chance to explain what was really going on."

"What is there to explain? I can't believe this sh-"

"Hanna!"

"Sorry, okay. Continue."

I finished telling her what happened and at first the only word she could get out was "wow".

"I know... What do you think?" I asked carefully.

"What do I think? I think it makes sense."

"So you're saying I should just forgive him?" It surprised me how angry I was. Especially after what she said to me before, I couldn't believe she would tell me to forget about it.

"No, Aria, that's not what I'm saying at all. I guess I'm saying that you should at least consider it. Anyways, I'm awful at this sort of thing, what did Spencer say?"

"I haven't exactly told Spencer yet."

"You mean you called me first?"

"Yup," I decided that telling her Spencer wouldn't answer her phone was a detail better left alone.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think I can help you."

"It's okay, just tell me what you would do in my situation."

"Honestly," she hesitated, "I would believe him. Knowing what you guys had, Aria, there's no way someone could fake their way through that. Even the best actor in the world, even Johnny Depp, couldn't do it."

I let out a light laugh, wondering if Hanna was right.

"Look, do what you want. If it were me, I would give him a chance to fully explain," she said, quite matter-of-factly.

I sat for a minute, letting what she said sink in, "Thank you, Hanna. I gotta go, okay? I love you."

"Love you, too. Good luck," she said, "Please, just be careful."

There was a click and once again I was alone. I repeated the conversation back in my head,  _"There's no way someone could fake their way through that"._ I took a deep breathe and looked down at my phone. After all these years the phone number was still in my muscle memory. My thumb traced the pattern and hovered over the call button. I pushed down and raised the phone to my ear, secretly hoping that he had changed his number. The ringing stopped and I could hear someone clearing their throat on the other side of the line,

"Hello? Who is this?" he said, his voice soft and inviting.

There was a long period of silence before I managed to breathe out his name, "Ezra..."


	6. Chapter 6

"Aria?"

Hearing him say my name was enough to make the room start spinning. I felt sick, "Fuck... I'm-I'm sorry this was a mistake."

"No, wait. Please, just let me... let me tell you everything. I need to tell you everything."

I could barely breathe, let alone talk, and making the slightest sound took effort, "Okay," I whispered, so softly that even I had trouble hearing it.

"I can't do this over the phone. I need to see you, Aria. Can we go somewhere? Please, I just," his voice dropped as if he were going to cry, "Aria..."

I knew after everything I'd been through that being alone with him was a terrible idea, if not the worst, but if Hanna was right then I needed to give him the chance, "Where?" My voice, slightly less timid, was still barely audible.

He sounded relieved, "Can you meet me outside class?"

The door started to open and Sam peeked her head in, "Sure," I said quickly, hanging up as she made her way in.

"That your folks?" she asked, picking up a magazine off the desk and flopping onto her bed.

"Yeah," I threw a sweatshirt over my head and slipped my phone into the back pocket of my shorts, "I'll be back in a few hours."

Her eyes stayed on whatever she was reading, "Hey what was up with you at lunch today? You've been acting weird all morning."

I reached for the door, "I'm just tired."

"Going to see Tony?" she said, lifting her head up.

"Uh huh," I said as I walked out.

I soon regretted the lie, knowing that somehow it would come back to haunt me. They always did.

I turned the corner of the building and saw him with his back leaning against the wall. His foot was propped up as he checked his phone, occasionally glancing up to see if I had arrived. He was wearing what seemed to be the same ragged pair of jeans that he owned in Rosewood, accompanied by a deep red t-shirt that, judging by the condition, must have been old as well. His hair was still styled from this morning's class, and he had the slightest hint of stubble around his chin. I stood there watching him, rethinking whether or not to go through with this, but before I could make up my mind he lifted his head and smiled. I considered running away, not very classy but at least I wouldn't have to talk to him, but Hanna's voice was pushing me to walk towards him. I prepared myself for whatever awful breathtaking experience that was about to follow and walked forward as he placed his phone inside his bag. The messenger bag sat on his shoulder, the strap held on by duct tape and safety pins, and the majority of the leather so faded that you'd think the bag came in a color like that. I found it hard to believe that he wouldn't just throw the damn thing out, a lot of his things out actually, but that was one of the things I loved about him. Ezra never gave up on anything, no matter how broken and beyond repair, he always tried to fix it. As he lowered his foot from the wall his sneaker left a small black scuff mark, at least those were new. He greeted me with his signature smile, the kind of smile that makes you feel like everything will be okay, and without thinking, I smiled back.

"Aria," he said, with the same soft tone I had heard over the phone.

I waited for the lump to form in my throat or for my head to start spinning, but nothing happened, "Hi."

Everything about this was strange. Since seeing him in the coffee shop, even the slightest thought about Ezra would make me nauseous. Was I supposed to believe that after one conversation on the phone I could feel completely fine around him? Being with him felt so natural, like nothing bad had ever happened between us. If someone looked our way they would see two life-long friends, not a heartbroken girl and the man who tore her apart.

Ezra cleared his throat, "So, uh, do you wanna walk?"

I nodded my head and started walking, Ezra matching my pace beside me.

"Thank you... For meeting me," he said.

"Yeah..."

He let out a nervous laugh, "I just wanted to explain everything..." he said, pausing for a moment, as if waiting for me to chime in. When I didn't he continued, "Everything started the day after Caleb was shot in the lighthouse. You came over to my apartment that night and when you left the next morning that's when I got the text. I wasn't stupid, Aria. Before that morning, I knew that you weren't really over with -A and I wanted to help you. I knew something was happening again when I saw you at Jenna's party so I started to investigate. I quit the editing job I had just gotten and took whatever money I had to look into what was going on. The night of the lighthouse I had just picked up on a new lead. I guess I had gotten too close for -A's comfort and the text I received that morning told me that I had two options. I either had to stop looking and join the team, or you would get hurt. I was an idiot and the thought of being a part of something that caused you and your friends so much pain sickened me. I declined, not understanding the consequences, and on Halloween they held up their end of the offer. You almost died, Aria. After the train incident they gave me the same deal, and I accepted. If someone hadn't backed off of their assignment that night you would be gone. You would be dead and it would be all my fault. I had no choice..." his eyes were starting to water and I could hear his voice growing softer as he spoke.

I waited for him to continue but he never did. We walked together in silence as I tried to process the information. My head was filled with battling thoughts. The impulsive part of me wanted to reach over and grab his hand, to tell him that it was okay and I forgave him. That was always my problem, I forgave too easily. The other part of me was fighting so hard to make sure I wasn't hurt by him ever again. I knew that I believed him because with every word he spoke, forgiveness waved through my body. My heart ripped in half as I tried to make the angry and betrayed feelings win. The bench placed twenty feet in front of me caught my attention as I sat down placing my hands over my face. My head was throbbing, but when it finally stopped I realized that hurt had replaced forgiveness. I remembered the days I spent locked in my room, crying for hours, constantly seeing the sight of his black hoodie flashing through my teary eyes. I remembered the times wishing I was dead, just so I didn't have to feel the heartbreak. I remembered closing myself off from the world and everyone I love. I remembered why I had vowed to never trust anyone again. I looked up to see that he had taken the seat beside me and turned to face him, confident that the words about to come out of my mouth were going to tell him to fuck off. "Ezra," I said, looking into his eyes, the same beautiful green eyes that I fell in love with, "I believe you."

We stared at each other in disbelief, both shocked at the words that escaped my mouth. "Fuck!" I whispered, slamming my face back into my hands.  _What the hell was that?_

"Aria. You don't have to say that if it's not true. I-"

I lifted my head up, "But it is true, Ezra! That's the fucking problem here! Don't you get that? I believe you and I forgive you but it's all too damn easy! After all the shit I went through I can't just be okay with this! I should hate you right now but I don't! I should- I should fucking hate you..." I tried to choke back my tears but they came anyway. Ezra started to speak and immediately recoiled, unsure of what to say. I met his eyes and I could see they were turning red, "Why? Why didn't you tell me after it was all over?" I asked.

"I didn't want you to ever find out. Some of the things I did..." he trailed off and glued his eyes to the ground.

My heart rate had slowed down quite a bit and I felt myself relax, "What exactly did you do for them?"

His eyes stayed down, "I, uh..." he said quietly.

"Ezra, please. Tell me."

He let out a deep breath, "The car. The one that ran into Emily's home."

"Is that it?"

He shook his head, "I was the one who got information. I spied on people."

"People like me..."

Shame rushed over his face as he nodded, "Yeah."

I could sense there was something he wasn't telling me as he rubbed the palms of his hands together, "What else?" I asked, determined to get an answer.

"What are you talking about?"

"Ezra, what aren't you telling me?"

It took him a long time to finally speak up, but nothing could prepare me for when he did, "The fire."

My eyes widened as I realized what he was saying, "You mean, you- you started the fire?" I asked, hoping that it wasn't true. He didn't say anything, he just placed his head between his knees, "The fire that almost killed us? The fire that happened the same night your brother almost died?" I silently cursed myself for bringing up such a harsh subject.

"They were sick of me holding out information on you. They told me to set the fire or you would get hurt again. I didn't think- I didn't know anyone was inside," his voice cracked as memories of that night flooded his eyes, "When I heard the first scream I ran towards the house, but I was stopped when I received a text message. It was from -A. It said that my brother was being held in a warehouse a few miles away, and I had another choice to make. I could save my brother or I could save you," I looked at him with understanding. Wesley was still alive, one of the girls must have dragged me out. His eyes lit up with panic as he realized where my mind was taking me. "No, no, Aria. You don't understand... -A was caught before they could do anything to my brother. I didn't go to the warehouse, Aria. I chose you." he explained.

It took everything in me not to break down.  _Me over his own brother?_ I mean, I knew they didn't exactly get along, considering they hadn't talked to each other in ten years, but to chose someone you've known for only a few years over one you've known your whole life? It was either insanity or the most undying and pure love anyone could ever have. Or both. Ezra saved me knowing that it would cost his brother's life. I closed my eyes and let my memories take over.

* * *

_"Fuck! I can't see anything!" Hanna screamed, the sound floating through the smoke._

_"Me either. We need to get out of here. Now," Spencer was trying to keep her cool but her voice was unable to hide her panic._

_I slipped my nose under my shirt, attempting to inhale as little fumes as possible as we rummaged our way through the hallway, the fire slowly breaking down the door behind us. I looked back and a dark figure emerged from the smoke, "Em? Emily is that you?" I asked, stepping closer to get a better look. Before I knew it something struck me and everything went dark._

_I woke up to the sound of someone pounding on the door. I coughed hysterically as it came crashing down before me, the flames lighting up the room._

_Someone was standing at the doorway, "Aria?!" I heard them call out. Their hand wrapped around my back, the other one around my knees, as they lifted me off of the floor and carried me outside. "Aria?! Aria, can you say something? Anything?" he said, lying me down on the grass. The voice sounded familiar but I couldn't figure out where I'd heard it before._

_"Spencer? Hanna? Emily?" I let out between coughs._

_"All safe. They were out before you."_

_"Who-Who are you?"_

_"ARIA!" Spencer shouted._ _I turned my head and squinted, seeing her running towards me. When I turned back, the mysterious man who saved me had disappeared._

* * *

"Oh god, Ezra, I'm so sorry," I said.

He wiped the tears from his eyes, "I'm not. You're here today. And you're  ** _alive_**. You don't have anything to be sorry for. I should have said something. I should have told you myself. I should have explained it all to you then."

I wanted to ask him about his brother. I wanted to know how he could have chosen me, and if he regretted it. His hands reached out to grab mine as he answered my question, "I didn't regret anything, Aria. You are the love of my life. I would do anything for you."

My phone went off, interrupting our moment, and we both jumped at the sound.

**Hey, where are you? -Sam**

The screen read 6:30 pm, "Shit..."

"Is that your boyfriend?" he said, sounding disappointed.

"No, my roommate. I said I would be back hours ago, I gotta go," I said, now thinking about Tony and what I was going to do about him.

"Aria, listen. I get that you've moved on. It's okay, I understand. I just want you to be happy, and if he makes you happy then that's what I want for you."

I leaned in, brushing my lips against his forehead before turning and walking away. When I was a safe distance away I turned back. His right elbow was propped up on his knee and his hand was placed against his forehead. He appeared to be laughing at something, but when I looked a little bit closer I realized that he wasn't laughing. He was crying.


	7. Chapter 7

It had been four days since Ezra and I spoke. I hadn't seen Tony either except for the occasional text. Nothing felt right after Ezra told me about the fire. I couldn't be with Tony without thinking of Ezra and how much you have to love someone to choose them over family. I felt trapped. I felt like I owed Ezra for what he did, but I couldn't just drop everything I started here. Tony didn't deserve that.

"Have a good weekend everyone, I'll see you Monday." Profesor Fitz said as his students made their way out. I was towards the front as I had learned to do after my first class. I didn't want to give him the opportunity to speak to me alone again. Sam had skipped which meant I was by myself with no one to distract me from the two hour long class I was stuck in. Ezra was intelligent and by far the greatest teacher I've ever had (and I say that from a totally unbiased view) but listening to him talk was overwhelming. They used to tell me in high school that whatever you're doing in English would go along with the stupid teenage drama that's in your life... apparently that doesn't change in college. Hearing Ezra talk about fate and the chances of bumping into your soulmate at an unexpected time made me nauseous. Part of me thinks he did it on purpose.

"Happy Birthday!" Tony and Sam yelled in unison as I walked outside.

"What's this?" I asked, looking at the balloons in Sam's hand.

"Your birthday surprise, duh!" Sam came over and hugged me, tying the balloon strings to my bag, "Okay well I'm gonna go get ready for tonight, see you later!"

Sam ran off and I glanced at Tony, "What is she talking about?"

"Your party. It's in my dorm at ten." he said, giving me a quick peck and taking the bag off my shoulder.

I checked my phone, "It's only six..."

He set my bag down and sat on the bench, patting the space next to him, "Well I have my own surprise planned, the party is more for Blake's benefit."

"Ah I see, well what are we doing for 4 hours?" I asked, sitting down beside him.

"Well first, we're gonna eat dinner."

I hadn't seen Tony in nearly a week and I was getting extremely lonely. Fucking hormones. "I prefer my dessert first..." I said, moving closer.

"Well we can eat your cake now if you like." he said, confused.

I shook my head.

"Well what are y-"

I cut him off, pressing my lips to his. Tony smiled and pulled away, "You little minx..."

I choked a bit, remembering that Ezra used to call me that. I brushed away the thought and went back to Tony, leaning in again. The recent distance in our relationship was bothering him as well considering how passionate our kiss was. We usually see each other daily. Tony was someone I never got sick of and tonight was going to be our night. I wasn't sure if it was the time we spent apart or just the fact that I was a hormonal college student but my mind was loving the idea of skipping dinner and heading straight for my room. I could feel that he had the same idea and quickly had to remind myself that we were in public. Tony broke away from my lips and moved to my neck as I tilted my head back. I bit my lip and ran my fingers through his hair, occasionally letting a gasp pass through my lips. The sound of a door brought me to open my eyes and see Ezra walking out of his lecture hall.  _Shit._ Tony was laying kisses along my collarbone as Ezra locked his eyes with mine. My face dropped as I looked at him apologetically. Tony's mouth made its way back up my neck reaching my lips, pulling me away from Ezra.

I pushed Tony away gently, "Wait, stop." I looked over his shoulder but Ezra was gone.

"Aria? What's wrong?" He asked, looking behind him.

"Sorry, nothing." I wiped the worried look from my face and smiled, "I just wanted to go back to my room."

"Well, Sam is in my dorm helping Blake..."

"Then what are we still doing here?"

Tony hopped off of the bench and I followed, grabbing my bag and throwing it over my shoulder. "Wait, no. It's your birthday today, come on," Tony said, bending down.

I let out a childish laugh and jumped on his back, holding the balloon strings so they wouldn't get caught in the anything. His hands supported my thighs as he started walking, practically running, to my dorm. He carried me all the way to my door, only letting me down so I could unlock it. I tosses my bag onto the floor as Tony closed the door behind him. By the time he turned around my shirt was already off and he pulled me towards him. We plunged into a deep kiss and I helped him with his shirt as he walked me towards the bed. It was in this moment that I realized how much I cared for Tony. His gentle touch, his warm kiss, and his sparkling eyes that glowed when he looked at me. It didn't matter that a demon from my past had come back to haunt me. In a way I was thankful for it. I had closure, and now I could admit that I was moving on. I was laying on the bed now with Tony towering over me.

He broke away suddenly and looked at me, "Happy Birthday, babe. Even though you've completely ruined my plans for today, I love you so much."

I looked back at him with an expression of utter adoration. He'd said I love you before and I'd said it back, multiple times, but something felt different now, "I love you too." I said, and for the first time, I truly meant it. I was sure I did. I had to. He brought his lips back to mine as my fingers fumbled with his zipper. With every kiss I felt myself finally living the life I always wanted. Something simple and easy. Something safe.

"Looks like Blake invited a few extra people..." Tony said as we walked into the overpacked dorm. My arm was linked with his as he guided me to the bar, "Well, this is your night," Tony picked up two shots and set one in front of me, "Cheers!"

I choked mine down and reached for another, "I'm not nearly drunk enough for straight vodka."

Tony laughed and downed another himself, "Come on, lets dance!" He took my hand and led me into the crowd. My back was pressed against his chest as his hands rested on my hips. The two of us moved together perfectly and we kept dancing until my feet couldn't take it anymore.

I sat on the couch and removed my shoes, sighing of relief when my feet could finally breathe. Sam stumbled towards me and fell onto the couch, "Heyy Aria! Having fun?" she said, slurring every word.

"Not as much fun as you're having."

"Well that's a shame... I'll get us some, some more drinks." Sam said, attempting to stand only to fall back down again, "Or not."

"Tony should be back soon with some," I said, right as Tony set the tray in front of us.

The night consisted of drinking, dancing, and more drinking. I wandered around hoping to see someone I recognized with no luck. Sam was off hooking up with Blake somewhere and Tony had been missing for most of the night. I searched everywhere until finally I saw him sitting alone at a table, "Hey, I've been looking for you."

"Sorry, wanna go for a walk?" He asked.

"Sure." I said, following Tony out the door.

We walked for a long time. We mostly talked about nothing since neither of us were in the state to have a meaningful conversation. Eventually he stopped to pull me aside for a kiss. Everything seemed to be going fine until he pulled away.

"Who were you with on Monday?"

I froze, caught off guard by the direct question. "Um... What do you mean? I was with you and Blake and Sam..." I said, struggling to make full sentences.

"No, after lunch. You told Sam you were going out with me."

"I-I just needed some time to think, that's all."

"Aria, tell me what really happened. Is there someone else?"

"N-no, why would you say that?"

"Ever since you came back to school you've been acting weird. After Monday you wouldn't see me. What am I supposed to think?"

I wasn't sure if it was the alcohol messing with my head, but Tony was talking a lot more clearly than I was, "You're not supposed to think, you're supposed to trust me!"

"I can't trust you when you're  _fucking_  lying to me!" Tony's voice was getting louder and he was getting angrier.

"Please, just forget about it..." I backed away from him. I had never seen Tony raise his voice, even when he was intoxicated. And by the looks of it, he wasn't that drunk.

He stepped closer to me until I was trapped against the side of a building I didn't recognize. I couldn't identify any of the other buildings around us either. We had been walking so long I had no idea where we were.

"Just... Just tell me who you were with."

"Nobody, I told you! I love you, Tony."

"Don't say that to me."

"But I-"

"DON'T. SAY THAT. TO ME." His hand flew into the wall beside my head making me flinch.

"Tony..." I touched his cheek, searching his face for some sign of forgiveness but all I saw were dark eyes filled with rage.

He removed my hand from his face, "I-I'm so sorry. I have to go." He squeezed my hand before turning away.

"Tony, Please! Don't leave me here!" I screamed after him as he walked away, but he never turned back. I tried following him but my head started spinning, "Fuck..." I cursed to myself for drinking as much as I did. I looked up to see where he went but there was no sign of him anywhere. I stumbled my way in the direction he had gone just praying that it would lead me back to my dorm.

I wasn't sure how long I had been walking for. Still nothing looked familiar and I had no idea what time it was. Occasionally students would pass me but my sorry attempts to get their attention failed miserably. My head was throbbing, my insides were about to become outsides, and it took all the strength I had to keep my balance. I was on the verge of collapse when I saw a figure walking in my direction.

"Hello?" he called out.

"Tony?"

"Aria? Aria is that you?" I recognized the voice, but it definitely wasn't Tony. "Aria what are you doing here?"

"Ezra what are you-" I tried making my way towards him, tripping over my own feet. I fell forwards into his arms as he caught me and he helped me up,

"Whoa okay, take it easy. Are you drunk?" he asked me and I nodded. "Fuck, alright... Here let's just see if you can stand on your own." He let go of me but by that point every muscle in my body refused to cooperate. I dropped back onto his chest, "Okay, okay. Umm... Shit," he continued mumbling to himself, running his hand through his hair.

A minute passed before he finally lifted me up. Had I been fully aware of the situation there is no way I would have let Ezra Fitz carry me away to safety, but I was in no place to be rejecting help from anybody. I drifted in and out of consciousness laying in Ezra's arms. The occasional sound of him cursing would bring me back to reality before I slipped away again.

"It's okay, you're okay now." he said, sitting me on a couch. I assumed he had taken me to his apartment as I looked around the small room. There were bookshelves lining his walls just as they had in Rosewood and he had the same classic movie poster hanging above his desk. "Aria, can you please tell me what you were doing out there?" he asked as he sat down.

"I got lost, trying to find... my dorm."

"Well you were about 2 blocks off campus when I found you, and you didn't have shoes." He said with a quiet chuckle. I smiled and brought myself closer to him. He wrapped his arm around me and squeezed my shoulder, "By the way, Happy Birthday. I would have said something after class this morning but you were, uh, busy..."

"Yeah... sorry."

"Don't be."

"Sure," I said sleepily.

"No really," he protested, "You, you deserve to be with someone like him."

"Like what?" I asked.

He looked down at me nervously, "Someone who can make you happy without the, uh, complications. You deserve something easy."

I scoffed at him thinking about just how complicated my relationship with Tony had become, and that nothing could ever be easy with Ezra in the picture.

"Aria, what happened tonight."

"Tony... left me."

"What? Why would he do that?"

"After I saw you on Monday... we didn't talk, me and tony. He knew I lied about... who I was with. He got angry and left. I tried to follow but-"

"You got lost... I know," He brushed the hair out of my face and kissed my forehead, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." I mocked.

"I have to be."

"It's not your fault," I added, resting my head in the crook of his neck.

"Yes. If I had been honest with you, if I just told you the truth, maybe we wouldn't be here in this situation."

"What situation?"

"Maybe," he paused, dropping his eyes, "Maybe I wouldn't be carrying my drunk ex to my apartment in the middle of the night after she gets in a fight with her new boyfriend."

I giggled and closed my eyes as sleep began to take over, "You'd be carrying your drunk girlfriend."

His body tensed up as the words left my mouth, "Aria?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you love him?"

"I-I thought I did," my voice was getting progressively softer as I drifted deeper into sleep, "Being here with you... I'm not so sure," I continued, unsure of exactly what I meant.

"Do- Do you still love me?" He asked hesitantly.

In any other setting I would disregard the innapropriate question, but as my mind grew more and more tired I carefully thought of the answer. The sound coming from my mouth was barely a whisper, "I will always love you."

He hugged me tighter to his chest, "Me too, Aria. Me too."

His heart beat steadily against my back as I let myself slip into unconsciousness.


	8. Chapter 8

Sunlight poured into Ezra's apartment and forced my heavy eyelids open. I sat up, carefully untangling myself from his arms so as not to wake him. Ezra stirred in his sleep as I removed my weight from the couch, a small chuckle escaping his lips.

"Aria..." he murmured, still fast asleep.

I smiled for a moment as the familiar feeling of waking up next to Ezra on a Saturday morning rushed over me. Reality struck me when I felt a sudden pounding in my head. I dragged myself into the bathroom hoping Ezra kept everything in the same place as I left the light off, my eyes already aching from the daylight. I rinsed my face before digging out the Advil in his top drawer and popping two of the small pills. The pounding intensified and I quickly slipped another pill into my mouth before putting the bottle back. I rested my hands on either side of the sink and stared at the mess of a girl reflected back at me. My hair was in a hopeless knot and mascara was smeared around my eyes. Instinctively I opened the bottom drawer, surprised to see that all of my belongings were still in their usual place. Not giving much thought as to why Ezra had kept all of my things, I wiped my face clean of the makeup that had stained my face and unsuccessfully tried to brush the tangles from my hair. As I set the brush on the counter, giving up on the birds nest on top of my head, I rubbed my forehead, doing my best to recall the events from last night. From what I remembered the only major slip-up was confessing that I still loved Ezra, but who didn't see that one coming. I fell asleep in his arms and that was it. It wasn't the most ideal situation but under the circumstances it could have been a lot worse.

"I guess you found everything okay." Ezra said as he leaned against the door frame, hinting towards the brush and open drawer.

I jumped at his presence, slightly embarrassed, "Sorry... I don't mean to intrude, I-"

He shook his head, "No it's fine. After you left I guess I just never got around to getting rid of that stuff," he shrugged and turned out the door, "Take whatever you want, it's yours."

I followed him to the kitchen, wondering what other belongings of mine he forgot to throw out. I looked at Ezra standing before me wearing only plaid pajama pants, realizing he must have changed while I was in the bathroom and that I was still wearing my dress from last night.

"Do you mind?" I asked, walking towards his dresser.

"Go ahead."

I pulled out his Hollis t-shirt, my old favorite, along with a pair of boyshorts of mine that I was once again too tired to question why they were still in his dresser. I went to the bathroom and closed the door behind me, turning on the light this time as the Advil seemed to had been doing its job. I stepped out of my dress and slipped the shirt on letting it swallow my body as I brought it up to my nose, the familiar scent filling my head.

* * *

_I climbed out of his bed and pulled the t-shirt he had been wearing over my head, the fabric clinging to the thin layer of sweat covering my naked body._

_"You are so beautiful," Ezra said, quickly pulling on his pants and laying back down, "and I am the luckiest man in the world."_

_I crawled in beside him and gave him a kiss before turning around so my back was pressed against his chest, "That was so worth the wait."_

_He wrapped his arms around me and whispered into my ear, "I would've waited forever for you." His lips grazed my ear and he leaned his chin on my shoulder as he continued to spread kisses around my neck._

_"You were the one who wanted to wait, don't you remember?" I teased, thinking back to all the times he had stopped us from ever going too far._

_" _ _No sleeping with a student. I have to follow at least one rule, considering we've broken everything else," he smiled against my skin,__  "But believe me... I wanted to. Someone had to be the responsible one."_

_"Not this time." I smiled and intertwined his fingers with my own._

_"No, not this time. And by the way, that shirt is yours. I don't think I can wear it again. It will never look as good on me now."_

_"Deal. But it's staying here, no need to give my dad more reasons to hate you."_

_"One day, Aria. One day he's going to be happy for us."_

_"And one day I'll watch Chinatown all the way through, but I don't see either of those in our near future."_

_"I like the sound of that. Our future."_

* * *

I returned to the kitchen to find Ezra leaning on the counter drinking coffee.

He looked at me, his eyes running up and down my body. I blushed, crossing my arms over my chest and clearing my throat. He quickly turned away, "I, uh, made a cup for you too." he said, rubbing the back of his neck like he always did when he was nervous.

"Thanks, but I don't drink coffee."

Ezra laughed until he saw that I wasn't joking, "You're actually serious? Since when?"

"It's been a year... Tony got me off of it. It's not good for me."

He rolled his eyes and let out a sigh, "Right. But getting wasted is part of a healthy lifestyle."

"I only do that occasionally. Besides, coffee stumps growth."

"Please, you aren't getting any taller anyways," he said jokingly, placing my cup in the sink, "Do you want some water instead?"

"No, I'm fine."

"Aria, you should really get something in your system."

I gagged at the thought of food, "If anything goes into my stomach right now, it's gonna come right back out."

"At least drink someth-"

My phone vibrated on the couch interrupting Ezra. I looked at the screen and felt my stomach drop. For a moment I had almost completely forgotten about the mess from the previous night.

**Hey, I'm sorry about last night. Can we talk? I need to apologize for everything. I love you.  
-Tony** ****  


I walked back to Ezra, "It's Tony. He wants to talk."

He nodded and his eyes fell to the floor, "Well if you're going out you might want to put on some real shorts, I think I have some of yours here... I'll give you a ride if you wan-"

"No, please."

He raised his eyebrows to question me.

"Is it okay," I paused, not sure what it would mean if I finished, "Is it okay if I stay here for a little longer? I- I understand if you don't want me here, I'll leave I just-."

"No... No, stay as long as you want."

"Thanks..."

He smiled and shook his head, "It's nothing." After a long and awkward silence Ezra finally spoke again, "Hey, uh... Do you remember what you said last night?"

"Yeah, I'm really sorry about that."

"So you do remember?"

"You mean telling you that I still love you and falling asleep in your arms? Yes I remember."

In that moment his face changed. It was a look of disappointment, relief, and confusion all mixed into one, "Yeah, that."

"Look, I don't want to lead you on, nothing is going to change. No matter what happened last night."

"Aria, I've already told you. I understand you've moved on. It's okay." He choked on the words as they came out of his mouth, the pain in his voice was unmistakable. It was as if he was keeping something from me, some secret that would change my mind about everything.

"So you're still okay with me being here?"

He nodded slowly, "We might not be together but that doesn't make us strangers, Aria. I can't pretend like I don't know you. We're more than just a teacher and a student, you know that."

" _Professor_ and student," I corrected with a shy smile. I thought about what he said and realized that he was right. I knew things about him that none of my peers ever would. The way Ezra laughed in his sleep, the way he rubbed the back of his neck when he was nervous, and the way he pulled on his shirt whenever he lied. It was a connection far too intense and intimate to ignore. "Friends, then?" I asked.

He nodded again and pulled his mouth into a devilish smirk, "Or I could just call you my pookiebear."

"Shut up!" I laughed, pushing him gently, "When are you going to let that go?"

He looked upwards, his hand on his chin as if he were seriously considering the question, "Never." He smirked again.

"Can we watch something?" I asked as I walked towards his tv. "I haven't seen a movie older than 1980 in forever." I said as I began flipping through his dvds.

"I don't believe that," he said skeptically.

"I didn't like watching them on my own… too many memories, and Tony fell asleep the first time I ever made him watch It Happened One Night. I guess after that I gave up."

Ezra's mouth fell open in disbelief, "Okay, first coffee and now old movies. I don't like this Tony guy."

"He's not that bad. You'd like him if you got the chance to meet him."

He rolled his eyes, "Doubt it."

I picked out a movie and brought it over to Ezra, "You would. You have a lot in common." I replied, knowing very well that wasn't what was bothering him.

He flashed his signature boyish smile as he saw the movie I had picked, "Chinatown." he said, taking the DVD from my hands.

I shrugged, "I promised I would watch it."

He put in the movie and we sat on the couch, his arm around my shoulder. The new establishment of friendship had removed any awkwardness we felt about the situation, but it created a much more harmful threat. We were free to return to our old ways, minus the physical part, but that was something special about us. We didn't rely on physical interaction, mainly because the idea of our taboo relationship kept us cautious, but also because we connected so well in every aspect of our lives. We didn't need a kiss or touch to show our love, it was in the way we looked at each other. Even a blind man could tell that we were in love by the way we laughed together. It was part of the reason we were able to last, because when I would look up from my copy of  _To Kill A Mockingbird_  and into Ezra's eyes, I knew the two desks separating us wouldn't keep us from loving each other and that I would spend the rest of my life with him. What I would give to have back my childish and naive look at the world. Now as I sat with Ezra -in a perfectly innocent way- there was no more awkwardness to separate us, the line between friendship and a little more than friendship was blurring, and the desire to reach out for his hand was stronger than anything else. We kept to ourselves, careful not to cross that fine line, but that didn't stop us from enjoying the company we brought one another. I told myself this was something friends did all the time. What made me and Ezra so different? It's because we weren't normal, we were strange and unexpected, and watching a movie together meant more than it should have. Not to mention the fact that we were getting dangerously close to the lines of appropriate professor/student behavior. It was definitely not cheating, but with how guilty it made me feel it might as well have been. Perhaps the most guilt came from realizing that I had barely given a thought to Tony the entire day.


	9. Chapter 9

I stepped into our dorm and Sam immediately stood up to meet me, a mix of worry and frustration building in her eyes, "And where the fuck have you been?!"

I winced as the sounds left her mouth, the advil I had taken at Ezra's had worn off considerably, "Sam, please. Can we not do this right now?"

"No. Now tell me what the hell happened last night."

I walked to my desk and popped three more advil before collapsing onto my bed, "Nothing... It's nothing."

"Aria, I've been calling you non-stop. Tony won't stop texting me, he's really worried."

I laughed as I thought back to Tony leaving my drunken self alone in the middle of god knows where, "Tell him I'm fine and that he can go fuck himself." I knew I was being harsh, especially since he hadn't been completely wrong with his accusations, but I had a very low tolerance when it came to feeling threatened and the fact that I was still a bit hungover didn't help my bitterness.

"Okay, now you really need to tell me what happened."

"Honestly, it's no big deal. He got too drunk and became an asshole, that's all."

"Aria..."

"It was my fault anyways."

"I don't give a damn whose fault it was just tell me what's going on."

"We were walking, he started yelling, he punched a wall, and then he left." I said annoyed. That night was the last thing I wanted to think about.

"Okay..." she sat next to me, "I still have no idea what this is all about."

"He thinks I'm cheating on him."

"How could he ever think that?"

"I didn't see him the other day, when I was going out. I just wanted to be by myself for a bit, you know? He found out that I told you I was going to meet with him and he just assumed."

"Where did you go last night? I tried looking for you but I thought you might have gone back here."

"I'm not sure. I was wasted and we had been walking for a long time, I'd never seen that part of campus before. Once he left I just started wandering."

"That still doesn't tell me where you went."

My eyes began to feel droopy, "He found me." I said, shutting my eyes.

"Wait... what?" she leaned back, alarmed, "Who found you?" Sam asked as I allowed sleep to take over my body, much like it had the previous night. "Oh no, you are not falling asleep on me," she shook my arm slightly, "Aria are you fucking kidding me?"

I smiled as Sam's voice faded, pretending like I was safely enclosed in Ezra's arms once again.

* * *

_"Do- Do you still love me?" He asked hesitantly._

_In any other setting I would disregard the innapropriate question, but as my mind grew more and more tired I carefully thought of the answer. The sound coming from my mouth was barely a whisper, "I will always love you."_

_He hugged me tighter to his chest, "Me too, Aria. Me too."_

_His heart beat steadily against my back as I let myself slip into unconsciousness..._

_My eyes shot open right before Tony's hand crushed the wall beside me, his eyes pitch black, matching the dark hoodie he wore. I would've fallen off of the couch if Ezra's arms hadn't been there to catch me._

_"Aria?" He leaned his head over my shoulder, brushing a few of the stray hairs from my face as I tried to calm my breathing._

_"Sorry, did I wake you?" I whispered, still catching my breath._

_"No, I haven't been able to sleep. Is everything okay?"_

_"Yeah, just a bad dream."_

_"Okay..." he was not convinced, "Can I get you anything?"_

_I pulled his arms tighter around me, shielding me from the demons that hid in the darkness, waiting for me to slip helplessly into sleep again. It was ironic how Tony, once my distraction, had now apparently become a reminder of the threat I faced so brutally for most of high school. I wasn't sure where I made the connection, that night being the first time Tony had ever lost his temper, but I suppose it was the fear of what might come next, "Just don't let me fall asleep."_

_"I can try."_

_"Tell me a story."_

_"Are you serious?" He laughed and shook his head, "No way."_

_I sighed, "You're right..."_

_"Thank you-"_

_"I'd probably get bored and fall asleep," I teased._

_"Excuse me?" he scoffed at my remark._

_I giggled, still in my drunken stupor._

_"I'll have you know that I'm a fabulous story teller."_

_"Prove it."_

_I couldn't see his face but I knew he was rolling his eyes, he knew I had won, "You better be sober enough to remember all of this because you are about to hear the greatest story anyone has ever told."_

_"Dazzle me." I said dryly._

_"Once upon a time-"_

_"Seriously? Greatest story ever told and you start it like that?"_

_He lowered his eyebrows, "You're mean when you're drunk. Now if you'll let me continue?" He cleared his throat, "Once upon a time, there was a princess-"_

_"A princess? Really?"_

_"Are you going to do this every time?"_

_"No, sorry."_

_"As I was saying, there was a princess... And she was beautiful._ _Even more so than her looks, she was kind, thoughtful, intelligent. She had suitors lined up for miles: artists, poets, musicians, each one offering something special for her... All but one. He wasn't skilled, he wasn't rich, and his involvement with the fair princess would only hold her back but-"_

_"Let me guess, against all odds she falls in love with the poor boy and they live happily ever after?"  
_

_He huffed in annoyance, "Actually, if you would let me finish for once..." he paused, waiting to see if I would interrupt yet again, "The two fall deeply in love and he proposes, only to break off the engagement because the stupid princess wouldn't let the poor boy finish any of his damn stories. The End."_

_"Maybe if he had been a better story teller she would have let him finish." I said playfully._

_"Maybe if she had let him finish, the story would have been better."_

_I laughed quietly, "You're an asshole, you know that?"_

_"You're awful, you know that?" he retorted._

_"But you love me anyways." I replied, thinking back to our conversation earlier that night._

__His breath caught in his throat,_ "Yeah... Yeah I do." he whispered, and after that it was silent._

_Minutes passed before I finally spoke, "You're not doing a very good job with my request"_

_"You're awake aren't you?" He mumbled._

_"Barely," _ _ _ _I glanced up to see his eyes fluttering open, "____ and same with you."_

_"Well maybe if someone hadn't so rudely interrupted my amazing story," he nudged my arm, "we wouldn't be so bored."_

_"Fine," I said, "Then let's talk."_

_"About...?"_

_"Did you ever think of marrying me?" I asked nonchalantly._

_"What?"_

_I shrugged, "When we were together. Did you ever think you were going to marry me one day?" I wasn't expecting a good answer, to be honest I didn't understand why I had asked the question in the first place. Ezra always talked about how he didn't believe in marriage, understandably so since he grew up with parents who couldn't stand each other. I always knew there was the inevitable possibility that I could spend the rest of my life with him and never have the name Aria Fitz._

_He thought quietly for a long time before gathering himself to speak, "I'd thought about it. Not that I was planning for it, of course but... I guess I always imagined what it'd be like," he laughed nervously, "Ten, fifteen years from then. Your father smiling as he walks you down the aisle wearing a beautiful white dress that takes my breath away. Your smile pierces through my heart as you join me on the alter and I become frozen. Time doesn't pass and all I see is you..." he stopped, trying to choke back the tears that were resting in his eyes._

_"What's wrong?" I asked, shifting my body so I could look him in the eyes._

_"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be saying any of this," he glanced down attempting to avoid my gaze as tears began to roll down his cheek._

_I cupped his face in my hands and pressed my forehead to his, "Ezra..."_

_"Aria, don't do this."_

_My thumbs wiped away the tears from his face as I leaned in, "Please."_

_His hands grabbed my wrists and held me back before my lips could reach his, "No." he said, his voice soft yet forceful, "You can't."_

_He released his grip on my arms and I leaned forward again, this time placing my mouth next to his ear, "I want this, Ezra. I want to be with you. I don't care about Tony, I only care about you. Please." I begged, just wanting to feel his lips on mine once again, back where they belonged. I watched as my breath made the hairs on the back of his neck stand._

_"You don't mean that. You're drunk." he said, his voice void of any emotion._

_I pulled away defeated, not willing to argue with him. Once Ezra got into his self-righteous adult mode there was no getting him out of it. I settled back into my previous position and he didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around me as I did so, "Promise me one thing," I said as I placed my head back against his chest, "Don't let me forget this tomorrow."_

_"Why?" he asked._

_"Because this is how I really feel. I should remember it."_

_"What about Tony?"_

_"I'll never be able to love Tony the same way I love you. I'm sure of it now."_

_"Maybe you won't be so sure when your sober."_

_"That's for me to decide," suddenly a wave of exhaustion poured over me and I had to fight to keep my eyes open any longer, "Just promise me, okay? Don't you want this? Don't you want to have me?"_

_"I can't, Aria. You're not mine to have."_

_I tried to object but drowsiness soon overtook my body and I slipped peacefully into darkness._

* * *

"Aria?"

I pried my eyes open and squinted at the shadow standing above me.

"Nap time is over, bitch."

My eyes focused in on Sam, her glare piercing through my skin, "Well hello to you too." I said, sitting up.

She rolled her eyes and walked over to my desk, "Thanks for passing out on me." she said, tossing my phone in my direction.

I caught it before it could hit the wall, "My pleasure."

Sam let out a frustrated sigh before climbing on to her own bed, "Tony won't stop calling you. I turned the damn thing off but then he started calling me."

"Someone's in a good mood..."

"I still have no idea where you went last night or who 'found you'. And what's with the new clothes."

I looked down to see I was still wearing the Hollis t-shirt and jean shorts I had taken, or should I say taken back, from Ezra's apartment and I was quickly reminded of the not-so-pleasant dream I just had. Anger suddenly began boiling inside of me, burning through my veins as the grip on my phone tightened. I was furious with him. More so than the day I found out, or thought I found out about him being A. No, that was more heart-broken but this, this was pure rage, "I have to go." I hopped off my bed but Sam grabbed my arm before I could reach the door.

"You are not leaving again, not before you tell me what's going on."

"I'm sorry, I really have to go." I ripped my arm from her grasp and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind me while she cursed at me from the room.

With each step I took my eyes went darker as they held back the tears threatening to spill. How could Ezra possibly think that it was his right to hold that memory from me? At first I wasn't sure if my dream was even real but as I thought about it I clearly remembered those words pouring from my mouth as I confessed the deepest depths of my heart to the one man in this world I wanted to be with. How could he think that I wasn't his to have when I have never felt so at home with anyone else? It was already getting dark when I reached outside, the cold air making tiny goosebumps form on my legs as I walked. I looked at my phone for the first time in hours, ignoring the fifteen missed calls from Tony and going straight to the keypad, my fingers trembling as I aggressively entered his number. I pressed call just as my body slammed into something solid. At first I thought it may have been a wall but as I looked up I saw Tony's face, first confused then relieved, staring back at me.

"Aria? Aria, is everything okay?" Ezra's soft voice came through the phone as I stood there frozen in front of Tony's figure. My thumb immediately pressed the end call button and I stuffed the device back into my pocket.

"Hey," Tony said, an apologetic smile appearing on his lips.


	10. Chapter 10

_"Hey," Tony said, an apologetic smile appearing on his lips._

"Hey."

"Aria... I've been trying to reach you," he nodded to the pocket where I had just stashed my phone.

"Yeah, I know..." I glanced at the ground and bit my lip.

"I'm sorry." we said simultaneously, my voice just slightly softer.

I looked up at him and he stared back a bit confused, "Your sorry? No, Aria you have nothing to be sorry for," he said urgently as I shrugged, "I-I'm so sorry... I left you out on your own, I'm so glad you're okay," he continued desperately.

"I'm okay, really. It's fine-"

"No, it's not fine. If something had happened to you I don't know what I'd do. Without you I'm nothing."

I discreetly rolled my eyes; I'd heard this speech before. Stealing a glance behind him I thought of my entire reason for being out there, "Look, Tony I need to go."

He slowly reached out his arm then paused and pulled it back quickly, "I-I understand if you never want to see me again but I just, I need you to hear me."

I shut my eyes hoping that when I opened them I would be somewhere else, even  _someone_  else.

"Aria, I will never forgive myself for last night, but you have to know that I love you and I need you. I was drunk, I know that's not a good excuse but I wasn't thinking. I should have never doubted you, I know that you would never do that to me and I was an idiot for even thinking it..." he trailed off and before he could begin again my mind was beginning to do the same.

* * *

_"A high school pregnancy, Ezra?! Did you think I wouldn't find out? After everything we've been through you thought I didn't deserve the truth?!" I yelled at him from across the tiny apartment._

_My hand ran frantically through my hair as I paced back and forth, tears spilling from my cheeks. My eyes bounced between the door and Ezra, who was sitting silently on the couch, head between his knees. I didn't know whether to leave or stay, my sporadic breathing becoming less panicked the longer I waited for an answer, a sign, something from him. He remained quiet with his head down, refusing to meet my eyes._

_I managed to stabilize my breathing enough for me to speak, "I-I can't do this anymore. We can't keep going like this. It's not fair, for either of us," I whispered, "I love you so much Ezra, but, everything is too complicated. Relationships aren't supposed to fucking be like this! I can't wake up in the morning wondering what I'm going to find out next! You need to find someone you can be honest with and I need to move on. It's just too hard..." I said as my voice fell._

_He didn't move. The only sound was his delicate breathing as I made my way to the door, turning back as I passed him._

_I stared at him in confusion, "Even now you can't say anything? You can just sit there like a damn statue as I walk away? You-You can't be honest with me even when I'm leaving?" I stammered, waiting for the answer I knew would never come. Every ounce of our love felt like it was being washed away as the silence grew louder. _The tears fell harder from my eyes as I sighed in disbelief, turning back around, "Right... Because you don't fucking care." I spat out then continued to the door.__

_My hand reached out for the handle and for a moment I stopped, hoping he would pull my arm back like he always did. He always came running after me. I forced myself out of the apartment and as I walked down the hallway towards the stairs I walked slower than usual, waiting once again for the pull that didn't come. I eventually gave up, realizing that I had indeed been right. He didn't care that I was leaving._

_"You want me to be honest?" Ezra's voice echoed through the hall as I stopped in my tracks. His arm reached out and spun me around, his eyes connecting with my own. "I should have let you walk out of this building. I should have stopped myself from coming out here but I couldn't. It's because I'm selfish, Aria. You don't deserve this. You don't deserve the lies, the stress, the complications," He paused and I opened my mouth to interrupt but he shook his head and continued, "You deserve someone who can treat you like the perfect woman you are. Someone who can hold your hand in public without giving this entire town a reason to torment you. Someone a million times better than me, Aria, and it's only right for me to let you go. I care enough to realize that you deserve the world, and I can't give it to you, but... without you, I'm nothing. The moment I let you walk away from this, from what we have," he gestured between our bodies, "That's the moment my life becomes worthless. You are the only thing that matters to me. I know that I shouldn't be selfish with you but I can't help it. I'm not strong enough to let you walk away and I hate myself for it. You're right, Aria. You deserve the truth and so much more. I was wrong, I know that. _ _If I have to,__ I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you, but I want to be spending that life with you. I need you there to tell me how much of an idiot I am and how horrible my cooking is. I need you there to talk about our favorite books and argue about when your finally going to watch Chinatown. I need you to keep me sane.  _ _I can't give you what you deserve but I-I can't survive without you, Aria.__  That's the truth."_

* * *

"You are my best friend, Aria. You deserve the world, so let me be the one to give it to you." Tony finished as I found my way back to reality.

I laughed, almost hysterically but not quite, as I realized why Ezra hadn't told me about what really happened the previous night.  _You deserve the world and I can't give it to you._ He was being strong. He was letting me walk away because I "deserved better". Ezra was trying to give me the world and I hated him for it. I hated the way he always tried to do what he thought was the right thing without even considering that perhaps I didn't want the world; that I could be happier with only what he could give me. The anger I had buried earlier by bumping into Tony immediately resurfaced. Ezra thought I was better off without him but maybe it was my turn to prove that I wasn't. Maybe I needed something more than simple and easy. Fine. If Ezra wanted to push me away into Tony's welcoming arms then that's exactly what he was going to get.

"Aria?" Tony questioned, stepping slightly closer.

I looked up at him, "It's okay, Tony. I forgive you."

His face lit up and he sighed of relief, "I'm so sorry. I promise it won't happen again..."

I closed the space between us and smiled, "Just shut up," I said quietly, pulling his face towards mine. Our lips met with the same passion they had before, but something inside me felt different. I had finally stopped trying to make everything with Tony as good as it was with Ezra. I finally accepted that no kiss would ever be as sweet, no hug as comforting, and no touch as soothing. Nothing was ever going to be as special as what I had with Ezra and no matter how hard I tried, even after all the time we spent together, Ezra still couldn't see that. Right then, as I kissed Tony, I knew I was either going to prove to Ezra that he couldn't change who I loved or I was going to move on in the process. Although I knew the second was unlikely, the life that had been out of my hands for so long was now starting to become my own. I was finally in control. Tony pulled away from the kiss and wrapped his arms tightly around me as I buried my face in his chest. Ezra could either sit back and watch as I left, or he could pull me back. Either way it was his choice to make, not mine to force.


	11. Chapter 11

Friends.

That's what Ezra and I both agreed on. The truth of it was that we were better with each other in our lives. I knew that having Ezra in my life as a friend was better than not having him at all. I had the ability to fix this. If I could just tell Ezra that I remembered that night and that my feelings remained the same everything would go back to normal, but I was sick and tired of always being the one to fight for our relationship. Every step of the way I was usually the one trying to convince him that what I felt was true, and the few times I had actually walked away he always came barreling after in a matter of minutes. Not this time. It had been a month since that night. I started letting myself believe that maybe he didn't really still love me like he used to. Maybe he moved on in all the time we were apart, using me being drunk when I confessed my feelings as an out for him. A way for him to say that he was trying to do the right thing and stop being selfish when in reality he was thankful for the escape. I pushed the thoughts to the far back corners of my mind, but as the days went on the thoughts slowly creeped their way forward. He knew how I felt, and if he didn't count that night as valid proof then he had nearly three years of our relationship to look back on. Every moment we spent together, even the fights; it was all proof that what we had was once in a lifetime. Still, every time I found myself walking out of his apartment and into Tony's arms I was afraid. Afraid of losing Ezra for good, afraid of actually being able to move on with Tony, afraid of finding out that maybe we weren't as meant to be as I always thought.

"What's up?" Ezra asked, placing a cup of water on the coffee table in front of me before sitting next to me on the couch.

"Just thinking," I replied, reaching for the glass.

"About?"

 _How much I love him. How much we love each other. Why we are sitting on opposite sides of the couch instead of lying in his bed tangled within the sheets._ I shrugged, taking a long sip of water and setting the glass carefully back on the table.

Ezra furrowed his brow, "Is something wrong?"

I shook my head, "No, just a little stressed out. It's nothing."

He raised an eyebrow, seeing through my horrible attempt at reassuring him. I waited for him to speak up; to call my bluff and make me talk. I waited to see his eyes flood with the desperation they always had when he  _needed_ to find out what was bothering me. Instead, he shrugged. He sank back into his seat letting out a defeated sigh, and with that my heart sank to the pit of my stomach, because there was a time when he would force me to tell him. There was a time when he cared enough to know, and couldn't sleep until he did.

* * *

_My arm stretched out to the side unconsciously searching for the warmth of his body, only to be met with sheets that were cold and empty, "Ezra?" I called out softly, sitting up from the bed and squinting as my eyes adjusted to the darkness._

_"I'm in here," his voice came from the kitchen and he stood by the counter holding a mug of what I assumed to be coffee._

_I slid my legs off the bed and pulled the covers off of my body, shivering as I stood and my legs met the harsh winter air. I loved wearing his t-shirts but they certainly didn't provide the warmth needed on nights like these, especially for my bare legs, "What are you doing up?" I asked sleepily, glancing at the clock that now read two-thirty._

_"Sorry, I couldn't sleep," he said, fiddling with the cup in his palms._

_I walked over to him, noticing that he was still wearing nothing but his boxers from last night. The area under his eyes was dark due to lack of sleep, "This isn't helping," I said, taking the coffee from his hands and setting it aside. I bit my lip and _swept my eyes over his naked chest wondering how he wasn't shivering like I was, "_ Is this still about..." I trailed off.  
_

_He nodded slowly._

_"Forget about it, okay? It's nothing, I swear," I muttered._

_"Don't give me that."_

_"It doesn't matter, Ezra!" I said, frustrated, praying that he would drop the subject._

_He rolled his eyes, "Yes it does, Aria. When are you going to realize that I can't live knowing that someone is hurting you? I can't just sit back and watch my girlfriend-"_

_"There's nothing you can do, Ezra! If I told you it would only put you in danger!" I raised my voice, trying to find a way to make him understand that he couldn't save me from this._

_"I don't care-"_

_"I do! I'm not going to let you get hurt because of what's going on," I whispered, dropping my eyes to the floor. I had seen too many people that I loved get hurt because they knew too much, or because they knew anything about A at all. I wanted to tell him. I hated the look in his eyes when he knew I was lying and I hated how I could see him blame himself for my secrecy. It killed me, but seeing him like that was better than seeing him dead._

_He stepped around the counter to where I stood and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me close to him as my eyes stayed locked to the ground. His body was surprisingly warm and I sank willfully into his embrace, "You can't get involved in this, Ezra. You can't help me..." I said, pressing my cheek and hand to his chest as I leaned my weight against his body, reveling in the warmth it provided._

_His lips pressed against the top of my head, "Please, let me try." His voice was so soothing and his body so inviting that I couldn't help but melt within his arms. Every fear of mine was overshadowed by the burning desire to tell him the truth. I couldn't help it as I buried my face in his chest and began letting out heavy sobs, unable to hold on to the secrets that were about to spill endlessly from my mouth._

* * *

Being here with Ezra was like rewatching an old movie. Eight o'clock, chinese take-out scattered across the coffee table, the radio softly playing in the background, but this time I was not trapped between the floor and Ezra, my fingers pulling on the hem of his shirt; the result of an innocent attempt to remove sauce from my upper lip that had gone too far, no. I was sitting on the floor, cleaning the corners of my mouth with a napkin as I listened to him speak. His words hung in the air just as I remembered and the hours seemed to pass by effortlessly as we talked. The professor and his student once again tucked away inside the safe walls of a one room apartment, laughing and forgetting about the constant movement of the world around them. In a way it was sort of poetic how we ended up exactly where we started. Not sure where we stood with one another, hiding away from judgement as we figured it out. He told me about his life during the time we spent apart and I did the same, conveniently leaving out the details where I'd spent the rest of the summer after graduation crying alone in my bed and the next year of college drinking the pain away and screwing any guy that came my way. Until I met Tony, of course. The one person I'd truly connected with ever since my traumatic break up with Ezra, and the person who would soon become my best friend. It was as good as a replacement could get for everything I'd lost. It was enough to make me believe that maybe it wouldn't be impossible to forget, but here I was with Ezra, playing a game that would undoubtedly end in breaking Tony's heart if I played it right. I found it hard to care about the people I might hurt in the process though, as my eyes wandered carelessly over Ezra's lips wishing nothing but to feel them on mine.

"They offered me the job and I guess I just figured, why not? My favorite city, a great teaching position... Are you spacing out again?" Ezra asked. I didn't realize I had been staring directly at the wall until Ezra waved his hand in front of my face, flashing his signature smile as he did so, "Alright, something's on your mind. I can tell," he said as I quickly brought my attention back to him.

I shook my head just like I had earlier that day.

"Don't do that, okay? Tell me-" he insisted, interrupted by the buzzing coming from my pocket.

I sighed, thankful for the opportunity to ignore his request and glanced down at the screen.

**Nobody's seen you all day. Is everything okay? I was thinking about grabbing a late dinner, wanna come?  
** **-Tony**

"You okay?"

"Yeah, it's just Tony. He wants to go out to dinner," I said, looking around at the empty cartons of food lying around the apartment.

"Oh..." Ezra mumbled, the slightest hint of sadness flashing across his eyes, "Do you need to go?"

"I can stay," I said hopefully, chewing on my bottom lip.

Ezra stood up and walked towards the kitchen, picking up our leftover chinese containers as he went, "No..." he gulped and cleared his throat, "No you should be with Tony," he threw away the cartons and leaned his forearms against the counter taking a deep breath.

I stood up and made my way towards him, "I've already eaten."

He shook his head, "You should be with Tony," he repeated, this time much softer.

"Do you want me to stay?" I asked, stopping only a few inches away from his body and looking into his deep blue eyes.

He furrowed his brow and stared at me curiously. His breathing slowed considerably as his eyes grew dark with lust. Suddenly, he stepped back, "No," he choked out, pulling nervously at the bottom of his shirt, "It's fine, it's getting kind of late, anyways."

I laughed lightly in disbelief, standing my ground for a moment before eventually heading for the door, "Goodbye Ezra."

I entered the hallway and mentally counted the seconds in my head as I walked towards the stairs. My heart skipped a beat as I heard a door creak open, "Aria?"

My smile stretched across my entire face as I turned to face him coming my way. Every second spent trying to prove that we weren't anything less than soul mates, forcing myself to walk away from all the chances I had to let myself move on with Tony, it had finally paid off as I stood face to face with Ezra.

He smiled back, extending his hand to me, "You forgot your phone."

My heart sank again, ripping apart my insides until I couldn't breathe anymore. My hand was stiff as I tried to reach out for my phone, managing to curl my fingers around the object and mumble out a 'thanks' before he turned and walked away. Maybe fate didn't exist.

**Sorry, I've been studying in the library. I'll meet you outside your dorm in 10?  
** **-Aria**

This is what my life had recently become. I was constantly moving back and forth between my past and my present. I had no real sense of direction or any clue as to what I was doing. One moment I was in Ezra's apartment wishing that something would happen and the next I was with Tony, making that something happen. It was a battle between my memories and reality that was slowly, but surely, tearing me in two. Perhaps because I wasn't following through on my end of the deal. I was stretching my heart from Ezra to Tony like a game of tug-of-war that no one could win, except I was the one pulling myself towards Ezra, he was pushing me away. I wasn't letting go like I promised myself. I was holding on for my life because I didn't know how to live any other way. I didn't know how to let Ezra go, and eventually I had to accept that maybe I never would. But I also had to accept that maybe my dream of waiting for him to come after me was nothing but a childish fantasy, because I knew that as soon as I stopped holding on to Ezra he wouldn't fight it. So why, after all of this, could I still refuse to let him go? Why was I still trying to find a reason to hold on? These questions were strapped like a ball and chain to my ankle as I walked to Tony's dorm, dragging the weight with each step I made, the chain refusing to slip off and let me be free.


	12. Chapter 12

"Have a good weekend guys. I'll see you on Monday," Professor Fitz said as students rose from their seats and filed towards the door, "Please don't forget that you have reading!" he called out as they exited his lecture hall, though most of them were already engrossed in their own conversations.

My decision to stop waiting for Ezra to come for me and to finally let things with Tony take their course was actually working, as long as I steered clear of Ezra under any and all circumstances. I had done a good job of avoiding him at all costs. I was never the first one into his class, nor was I the last one to leave. I made sure that there were no opportunities for him to get to me knowing very well that even a word from him would only suck me back into the hopeless, heart-wrenching black hole that was Ezra Fitz. But today was different; dangerously different. Today I had somehow managed to get pushed all the way to the back of the crowd with no one to save me from what was undoubtedly about to happen. I looked desperately around for Sam but with no luck. I pushed on the bodies in front of me, receiving dirty looks from nearly all of them, but if they understood the position I was facing they would have a different reaction. Despite my efforts to make it out of the class quickly, I was failing to escape my unavoidable downward spiral heading in my direction.

"Miss Montgomery?" his voice floated through the air softly, a sound that would have been extremely comforting and familiar had I not been trying to get over him, "Can you stay for a minute? Please?" his request sounded more desperate than it did formal. There was a certain panic or longing in his voice that sent an unnerving chill down my spine.

I looked around for some kind of excuse, but the last of the students were shuffling out of the door and in a matter of seconds I would be completely alone with my once soulmate.

"Sure," I choked out, taking one last look at the door that swung gently on its hinges as the final student walked out. I turned my attention back to Ezra, clearing my throat so my voice wouldn't come out so shaky, "What do you want?"

"Aria..." he began. He paused for a moment and took a couple steps towards me, then took one step back in hesitation as he studied my face, "I haven't seen you in a week."

"You have me for class three times a week." I mumbled, doing anything possible to keep from meeting his eyes.

His lip trembled nervously, "No, I mean you haven't talked to me. You haven't come by the apartment since that night."

"So?" I said, harsher than I intended to be.

"Did I do something wrong?" He asked with genuine concern expressed on his face.

"No, no of course not," I said, shaking my head. It wasn't him it was me, I thought, laughing internally at the unbelievably true cliché.

"Then what's going on, Aria? One week we're friends hanging out at my apartment and the next your giving me the cold shoulder. And don't try to give me any of that teacher student bullshit."

Once again I felt the wall I had been trying to build crumble effortlessly at his every word.  _Maybe it's because I don't want to be friends. I want us to be Aria and Ezra again._ I ached to say those words but I restrained myself, "Sorry, I've just been busy," I shrugged, "Schoolwork."

Ezra scoffed, "Right. Schoolwork."

"I'm in college!" I said, my voice raising in frustration, "I can't spend every waking moment of my life with you, okay?"

"Aria I wasn't-"

"I can't be here right now," I dropped my voice and shook my head slowly, "I've got something to do," I said quickly, starting to walk towards the door.

I caught Ezra rolling his eyes before I turned around, "Yeah," he scoffed again, "Some _thing_  to do, or some _one_."

I immediately stopped walking, my jaw dropping to the floor as I let out an inaudible gasp. I turned back to face Ezra, his jaw was tightened, his eyebrows raised, and his fists were balled up. His eyes pierced through mine as if I was the one who had said something wrong.

"What am I wrong?" He asked angrily.

I laughed in disbelief and without saying anything more I began to leave again.

Ezra sighed loudly as I turned, clearly regretting the words that had slipped from his mouth just moments earlier, "Wait, please... I'm sorry," his hand grabbed my wrist and I spun back around, reveling in the feeling of his skin against mine, "I was just angry I didn't mean that... I just want to know why you're suddenly acting like this," he whispered, the pleading in his voice returning as well.

I looked deeply into his dark yet inviting blue eyes, quickly understanding how easy it had been to fall in love with them immediately on the day we met. I had been avoiding him because this was my greatest fear. The fear that no matter how many times I told myself I was going to forget and move on, the slightest touch would force me back into this constant battle between heart and mind. The fear that I would never, and  _could_  never, be strong enough to fight my feelings for him. This moment was a step back from everything I had been working towards since walking out of his apartment and choosing to move on, but maybe it was worth it if the next words to come out of his mouth were the right ones.

He opened his mouth to speak but closed it right as a knock came from the door. Our hands shot apart as the door opened, mostly due to old habit from our times at Rosewood High.

Tony peeked his head inside before stepping fully into the room, "Sorry I didn't mean to interrupt," he ignored Ezra's presence and directed his words towards me, "I didn't see you come out of class so I just wanted to make sure you weren't off with some other guy," He joked, bringing an uneasy laugh out of me as I looked back to Ezra, who was standing awkwardly to the side observing my interaction with Tony.

"Thanks for the help Professor Fitz. I'll see you on Monday," I said with a forced smile.

Tony eyed Ezra somewhat suspiciously as he stretched out his arm towards me, "So you're ready to go then?"

"Yeah," I walked to Tony and took his hand, letting him lead me to the exit, "Let's go."

"Um..." Ezra cleared his throat as we walked away hand in hand, "Goodbye, Miss Montgomery."

I turned my head back to see the wave of pain cross his face, clearly seeing now that his clenched jaw was one made out of jealously, not anger, "Goodbye Professor Fitz," I said back to him quietly as Tony opened the door for me. I gave the slightest wave goodbye with my free hand before walking out.

Tony and I strolled across campus together, my arm wrapped around his. "I thought English was your best class. What does  _the_  Aria Montgomery need help for?" He asked with a charming smile as he pulled my arm closer to his body.

I laughed sweetly and shrugged, "I just needed to go over some of the reading, it's nothing."

He nodded and I rested my head on his shoulder. Truthfully, it really did feel like nothing. Maybe it was total and utter denial, but Ezra's words weren't having the same effect on me as I feared they would; not yet anyway. Of course I missed him and maybe one day I could find a way to rekindle the once in a lifetime friendship we once shared together but for now, if I wanted things to continue to get better with Tony I couldn't see Ezra. Things had never been better with Tony, perhaps because now I actually saw him as my potential future rather than a fill-in. However, no matter how much I tried to fight it, there was still that part - though smaller than I thought it would be - tugging in the back of my mind reminding me that what I had just seen across Ezra's face was hurt. It hurt him to see me in the arms of someone else and it hurt him to be shut out. Despite the fact that I was finally moving on, Ezra caring about me and our relationship was enough to keep just the smallest hold on my heart. As I walked with Tony, though perfectly happy with where my life was at the current moment, there was only one thought running through my mind; why was it so  _fucking_  difficult to shake off Ezra Fitz?

* * *

We were lying together in his bed later that day, my hand and face resting on his bare chest. It was then I knew for certain that I loved Tony. Not as a friend, but as more. Maybe Ezra didn't have the strong hold on me I thought he did. Moving on was possible, it only took me three years to figure it out. I just had to let myself forget about Ezra and what we had. I had to accept that I would never get that back and now I was free to be in whatever relationship I chose. Once in a lifetime love was just that; once.

Tony nudged my side, "Hey, are you okay?"

"What?"

"Thinking about Professor Fitz?" He teased with a smirk.

"Excuse me?" I asked, widening my eyes. This was not going to ruined; not now.

"I'm kidding!" he added playfully and I relaxed a little, "Sam and some of the other girls in that class keep talking about him like he's some sort of sex god. It gets Blake pissed."

"Oh," I said letting out a nervous laugh.

"But not my girl," he whispered as he pressed his lips to the top of my head, "I'm sorry for ever doubting you."

His hand ran through my hair comfortingly and I smiled, but in reality I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I didn't find his caress comforting. His hand ran through my curls far rougher than I was used to, his fingers didn't have the same delicate touch that I remembered so well. Moving on was possible; that I was still sure of, but maybe I was right to compare. I did love Tony, but I could never love him as much as I love Ezra. His smile was sweet and charming, but it would never be enchanting like Ezra's. His kisses were soft and passionate, but they would never hold the same meaning as they did with Ezra's. Each time I was kissed by Ezra's lips I felt a jolt run through my body; a signal that burned through my veins and filled me with a certain warmth that I've never felt anywhere else. When Ezra kissed me it was more than a kiss, it was a promise, that no matter what happened we would always have each other. I realized that even if I had moved on, I would never stop comparing everything to the epic and undying love between me and Ezra. So maybe that's why they called it once in a lifetime; once you've had it nothing would ever be the same. Ezra didn't have to take me back, but I needed to stop dragging Tony - someone I loved - along my broken path. I needed to cut the cord. I needed to stop trying to push and pull my way to fate because the truth was, I was the one who was keeping myself strung out in the middle, not my endless search for fate. Fate had come to me the second I spotted his dark curls in the window of that coffee shop.

"Tony," I began, lifting my head, "Tony, I don't think..." I trailed off, my voice quavering.

He sat up, "What is it?"

"I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't do this to  _you_  anymore. I-I'm sorry..."

"Aria, what are you trying to say?" His hand pulled away from my hair and he shifted his body so he was facing away from me, his head bent down into his hands..

"Tony, I'm so sorry. I love you, I really do but-"

He laughed quietly to himself as he brought his hands away from his face to rest on the bed, "But you love someone else more."

"I didn't mean for this to happen."

His hands curled the bedsheets into fists by his sides, "I knew it."

I tried reaching for his shoulder but he flinched away, "Tony, I need you to know that I never cheated on you. I never would have," I whispered. He needed to understand that I wasn't breaking up with him because I didn't care. I was breaking up with him because he deserved so much more than what I could give him. Tony was too good to be left with some girl who couldn't decide what she wanted; or didn't want to accept what it was that she had already chosen. He deserved to be loved by someone who could give him everything, and there was only one person I could give my everything to, and his name was not Tony.

He scoffed, "I was right all along."

"No, please you have to trust me."

He stood up, his back still facing me, "Why should I? Why should I believe you?" he shouted, his hands still balled up, "You think I haven't noticed? A couple weeks ago you barely say a word to me and then the next you're telling me you love me and you can't keep your hands off of me! It's been back and forth with you ever since we got back to school! What am I supposed to think?!"

He turned to face me, his face was burning red with anger and frustration.

"I know I haven't been fair to you, I know that," I explained, trying to calm him down, "Yes... Yes I love someone else, but it's not what you think! Tony you've been my best friend I would never hurt you like that. Not intentionally."

He brought his fist up and I flinched instinctively, but he simply ran the hand through his hair as his breathing relaxed, "Then what is it like?" He asked softly.

Tears began to pool in my eyes; I didn't deserve anyone's sympathy, not when I had been the cause of so much pain to the people I loved. "He was my high school sweetheart. He came out of nowhere at the start of this school year and I-I couldn't help it," I saw Tony's nostrils flare at my words and I quickly corrected myself, "No, nothing happened I just... I couldn't help what I felt for him. I  _can't_  help it."

"What's his name."

I hesitated, there was no way I would be able to tell him. Sure we were out of Rosewood but now Ezra was a professor and the stakes were even higher. "I-I can't tell you. Please Tony, I know I've been horrible but you still mean so much to me and..." I paused, knowing how pathetic the next words to come out of my mouth would sound, but I needed to ask, "and I want to stay friends I-"

He shook his head, "Get out."

"Tony-"

"Now," he added, his voice calm but his tone forceful.

I couldn't be angry, not after everything I'd done. I quickly threw on my pants, gathered up my shirt and phone, and walked silently out of his dorm. I was still dressed in his t-shirt and my hair was slightly off-centered, my makeup short of perfect and one shoe untied. I checked my phone as I made the walk of shame to my own dorm room. It was already five-thirty. Two messages; one from Sam and one from Ezra. One missed call; Spencer Hastings. I opened the first message from Sam, which I assumed was a message questioning my whereabouts; I was correct.

**Hey where are you? I haven't seen you since class this morning, let's get dinner tonight.**

**-Sam**

I closed the message and opened Ezra's next,

**Can you come over tonight? I want to talk.**

**-Ezra**

I chewed on my bottom lip nervously before typing and sending out a reply. Yes.


	13. Chapter 13

"Come on, Spence. Pick up. Please pick up," I muttered to myself as the phone continued to ring in my ear.

I turned it on speaker and set in on my desk before quickly changing out of Tony's shirt, praying Spencer would be able to talk. It had been way to long since our last conversation. I was so busy worrying about my issues with Ezra that I completely blanked on most everything else. I pulled a black sweater over my head and debated changing out of my jeans when I heard the phone line click.

"Hello? Aria?" Spencer's voice came through the speaker.

I picked up the phone, nearly tripping over myself as I did so, turned it off of speaker and held it to my ear, "Spencer?"

She easily picked up the panic in my voice, "Aria, what's going on? Is this about Ezra?"

I knit my brow in confusion. I didn't remember telling Spencer that he was in town. I meant to but after everything that happened I never got around to it, "Did Hanna-"

"Yeah, she told me. She said I would know what to do more than she would."

I laughed, of course Hanna would tell her. I was glad she had though, it meant I had less to explain, "Is that why you called?"

"She told me awhile ago, actually. I just figured you had enough going on and you would call me when you wanted to talk about it."

"Yeah, sorry Spence. I tried calling you first but you were busy. It's been a crazy past couple of weeks..."

"I know, it's okay. What happened?"

"He explained everything," I said plainly.

"And?"

"And it made sense. I believe him."

"So that's what your freaking out about?" she asked with disappointment.

"Not exactly..." I said nervously.

"Aria..."

"Well when he explained it he told me that he- he said that the night of the fire "they" gave him a choice. -A was caught before anything could happen to Wes but, Ezra was the one who dragged me out of the fire. He chose me over his own brother," I said softly, still in awe.

"Shit..." Spencer whispered, "So  _that's_ what you're freaking out about."

"Well..."

"Aria!" Spencer said frustrated.

"I know I'm sorry! Okay. After he told me everything we've been, uh... since then we've sort of been, hanging out."

"Hanging out? As friends?" Spencer asked unconvinced.

"Yes. No. Maybe..." I said with a sigh.

"Aria, what about Tony?"

"I got drunk on my birthday and Tony got mad at me. He thought I was cheating because I was getting distant. He left me alone in the middle of campus and I just started wandering. Ezra found me and took me to his apartment," I paused and heard Spencer let out a gasp, "Nothing happened! I promise, but after that night we decided we still wanted to be in each other's lives. Even if it was just as friends but, I can't keep lying to myself and everyone around me."

Spencer let it sink in for a moment, "Okay... So you want him back? I don't see the problem here... doesn't he want the same thing?"

I nodded despite Spencer's inability to see me, "He told me he still loved me. It was when I was drunk and I told him that I wanted him back but he said I wasn't his to have. He doesn't know that I remember that conversation. And I- I broke up with Tony tonight."

Spencer laughed.

I rolled my eyes, "This isn't funny!"

"Aria, you are telling me that you both admitted to still being in love with each other, you broke up with Tony, and then you needed to call me to decide what to do? It's a little funny."

"I'm serious!" I said, frustrated.

"So am I! Go do what you should have done the morning after you stayed at his apartment."

I sighed, "It's not that simple, Spence. I'm so sick and tired of always being the one fighting for our relationship! Every time I'm the one who has to convince him to not give up on us! It's not fair! I know it sounds selfish but I want him to come after me for once!"

Spencer let out a long sigh, "Look, I know you think it's like that but it's not. Yeah sometimes he can be a stubborn, self-righteous pain in the ass but think about it Aria. He just wants what's best for you.

"He  _is_ what's best for me."

"Then bury your damn pride and go be with the love of your life," she said, half-mockingly half-serious.

"But-" I tried arguing but Spencer cut me off.

"No, stop making excuses to be miserable Aria. Not everything in your life has to be complicated, sometimes you just have to do what feels right." And with that, Spencer hung up causing me to sigh in frustration.

I stood speechless for a little while trying to make sense of the thoughts flying around in my head. Spencer was right, that much I knew. I had to stop talking myself out of what I really wanted. I took the phone away from my ear and slipped it into my back pocket. I glanced at the clock sitting on my desk, it was almost six-thirty and Sam should've been back by now. I hastily reapplied a few coats of mascara and ran a hand through my hair attempting to rid the waves of any knots. I was in too much of a hurry to worry about taking the time to get ready. As I walked out the door I was relieved to find that Sam wasn't on her way back. I hated lying to her and this way I didn't have to until tomorrow, when hopefully my mind would be clearer. I made the journey to Ezra's apartment for the first time in a week walking slightly faster than usual. I didn't know if it was excitement or nerves -probably a combination of both- that had my heartbeat racing. By the time I reached his door my heart was pounding furiously against my chest. Before I could fully process my surroundings my fist was already knocking at his door. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. Maybe I was making a mistake coming back here. Maybe I should just leave and pretend I was never here. Maybe I-

"Aria?" Ezra asked curiously as he stood before me leaning partially against the door.

I looked to the floor, "You sound disappointed..."

"No!" he quickly said, stepping aside, "No, of course not. Come in. It's just... I wasn't sure if you'd actually come. You've been acting so distant lately I was afraid..."

I nodded and stepped into the familiar apartment.

"You're cooking?" I asked, somewhat surprised as I noticed the stove was on.

He closed the door behind him and walked over to check on the food, "Yeah... just pasta, nothing fancy," he said, turning the stove heat off to let it sit. "Look I asked you here because I wanted to talk. You've been avoiding me all week," he said turning back to me.

"I know..."

"Why?" he asked, his voice full of concern.

"I couldn't be around you anymore."

"Aria... You're starting to scare me," he said cautiously, stepping closer towards me, "What's wrong?"

"I broke up with Tony today."

"Oh," he said, a touch of disappointment in his voice.

"No, that's not what's wrong," I corrected myself, "I just thought you should know."

"Oh," he repeated, although this time it was lighter, "Well I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out."

"Yeah..." I mumbled softly.

I felt his eyes on me as I made my way over to the couch and sank down onto it. I heard him laugh when I kicked off my shoes and lengthened myself out on the couch, "Tired?" he asked with a small chuckle.

"It's been a long day," I muttered, closing my eyes.

I felt my legs being lifted up and I sat up to see Ezra now sitting beside me, placing my legs back over his lap. His hand didn't move from my thigh, "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just exhausted," I assured him.

"Well if you fall asleep now you'll miss out on some incredibly mediocre pasta," he said with a smirk.

"Well maybe you can tell me another shitty story," I giggled softly and looked down, at first not knowing why my last words had caused Ezra to become silent. When I realized what I said I quickly met his eyes, an unknown emotion showing in them.

"You-You remember...?" he whispered hesitantly, dropping his gaze.

I mentally cursed myself for letting the careless words slip from my mouth, leaving me unable to lie my way out of this, "Yeah... I do."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

I shrugged, not sure how to respond.

He shook his head lightly, a sad smile appearing on his face, "Sorry, don't answer that. I know why."

I gave him a questioning look, "I-"

"No, it's okay Aria. I get it."

"Get what?" I said, suddenly defensive.

"You regret that moment. You wish you could take it back. You wish you didn't remember," he said softly and got up from the couch turning his back towards me, "You sobered up and came to your senses."

My mouth hung open in shock as I listened to him, "No, that's not true Ezra-" I pleaded. Did he really believe that? How could he not understand how much I loved him?

"Then what? Why wouldn't you tell me?" he asked, turning back around and raising his voice, "You were the one asking me to make sure you didn't forget, don't you remember?" he said in a mocking tone, "And now you stand here trying to pretend like it never happened. It only makes sense that you don't feel the same now."

I did everything I could to stop from rolling my eyes. Spencer may have told me to bury my pride but there was no way I was letting this be placed on me, "I think I made my feelings very clear to you that night," I stated defensively.

"Really? Tell me then. Why did you pretend to not remember?" he said sternly.

Everything Spencer told me to bury was coming to the surface, "Because I wanted  _you_ to come after me for once!" I suddenly cried out and he immediately closed his mouth, taking a moment to stare at me in awe and confusion.

"What?"

I let out a long sigh, "It's always me, Ezra. I'm always trying to tell you that what we have is real. I'm always trying to keep you from running away from this. From us. I just... I wanted to be the person you can't let go. The person you can't watch walk away," I whispered, tears spilling from my eyes.

I couldn't read the look in his eyes, it was a mixture of pain and something else, possibly love, "Aria..." he said softly taking a step towards me, "Don't you see? I couldn't go after you because-"

"Yeah, I know. Because I wasn't your's to have," I said sarcastically.

"Yes," he said matter-of-factly, ignoring my dry tone, "Because you weren't mine to have. If you had a chance to be happy, to find love with someone else, someone who could give you everything you deserve... Don't I owe you that? It killed me seeing you with him, you know that right? I couldn't stand the thought of you moving on but how could I take that from you? After all the pain I caused you what right did I have to swoop in and take you away? I didn't let you go because I don't care about you Aria. I do care. I had to let you go because I love you. I love you so much it's made me mad. I love you enough to not be selfish with you."

I let his words sink in but I couldn't help the hurt and anger I still felt bubbling beneath my skin, "I want you to love me enough  _to_ be selfish with me!" I yelled at him, tears still burning through my eyes.

He looked at me curiously.

"I want you to love me so much you can't  _stand_ to let me be with someone else! I just want you to love me so much that it's impossible to watch me leave! Fuck what's best for me as long as _you_ can have me!" I cried.

I knew I was being unfair; that logically asking Ezra to be selfish about anything was like asking a fish to breathe out of water. Still I couldn't help the way I felt. It was selfish and impractical but I wanted to be someone so desirable that letting go was impossible, no matter how good or bad they were for me.  _  
_

"Aria..." Ezra began.

"No, I know what you're going to say! I know I'm being selfish okay? I know it's a ridiculous thing to say but I can't help it! I needed you to pull me back from Tony. I needed you to see that I can't have the best unless I'm with you. I... I needed you," I finished in a whisper.

Ezra immediately closed the distance between us and opened his arms which I gratefully walked in to, "I'm sorry Aria," he whispered, his voice slightly cracking as he held me tightly to his chest, "I thought I was doing the right thing but I-I should have fought for you. I shouldn't have let you walk out of here so many times. I should have believed you that night. I'm sorry."

He continued to hold me as I cried into his shirt. He didn't seem to mind the wet tears I was leaving on the fabric and he only pulled me closer. My arms were wrapped around his waist and I cursed the laws of science for not allowing us to be any closer. This was the embrace I so deeply missed. There was no safer place for me than captured in his arms. Sure there had been friendly hugs since reuniting with him in California but now was different. It felt as if the entire world around us disappeared and there was only me and him, alone. Finally together after all this time. All the anger I felt quickly dissolved and was replaced by the undeniable love I still had for the man beside me as the sobs rocking my body were now ones of joy and relief. I pulled back from his chest and let myself look, and I mean really  _look_ , into his loving dark blue eyes for the first time since Rosewood. I felt myself getting lost in their breathtakingly beautiful color; one that made you feel like you were being set adrift in the middle of a stormy ocean with nothing to grab onto but also made you feel surprisingly calm even as the waves came crashing overhead.

"I love you," I whispered. It was a long overdue confession from me that I couldn't help but feel was a pale comparison to the range of emotions I was currently feeling in my heart. Love didn't capture everything I felt for Ezra, but then again whatever I felt was indescribable, "I never stopped."

"I love you too, Aria. More than you could possibly know," he responded still holding my gaze.

I leaned forward and lightly pressed my lips onto his, the lips I had dreamed about for oh so long. They were softer than I remembered, not sure how that was possible but clearly it was. I could literally feel the weights unchaining themselves from my body and the heaviness I felt on my heart and mind was finally lifted. As we parted I opened my eyes shortly to glance at his face. His eyes were still shut but the corners of his mouth turned upwards in a small smile. His eyes fluttered open and he met mine for only a second before my mouth was once again on his, this time much more passionate and eager. We untangled our limbs from each other's waist and I brought a hand to the back of his neck pulling his face forcefully towards mine while his hands stayed at my hips. His tongue grazed my bottom lip and I was quick to respond, parting my lips to let him in. Was it possible to have missed the feeling of someone's lips on your own this much?

My other hand cupped the side of his face as I slowly pulled away again and he bent his head down, letting our foreheads rest against each other as we caught our breaths. My thumb brushed against his cheek and I laughed softly, overwhelmed by both Ezra and his irreplaceable kisses. He grinned too, both of us enjoying this sacred moment together wanting to make sure it wasn't a dream that we would both violently wake up from. I didn't think I could be any happier than I was in that moment and we were soon lunging at each other again, unable to resist the temptation of one another after all the time lost in our years apart. My hands rested on the back of his head and my fingers curled between his dark brown locks, tugging ever so lightly. I missed this feeling far too much.

He pulled back and placed his hand between our mouths, "So we aren't going to have pasta then?"

I laughed softly and shook my head, "No, I don't think so."

Ezra nodded and smiled as he recaptured my mouth with his. His fingers toyed with the hem of my sweater and I placed my arms above my head, hoping he would receive the hint. He pulled off the garment in a single swift motion and let his hands roam the newly exposed skin. My own hands were now underneath the fabric of his shirt running along his back and he removed his hands from my body to pull his shirt over his head. I snuck a hand between our bodies and let my fingers dance along his chest reveling in the warmth it provided against my own skin. The same hand snaked back to his neck and I stepped backwards, pulling him with me refusing to let our mouths part. As soon as the back of my legs hit the bed Ezra placed his hands firmly on my hips and leaned back, his chest moving heavily up and down along with mine.

"I love you," he said again.

"I love you too," I repeated breathily.

"No, I mean… I  _love_  you, Aria," he emphasized, almost like he thought I didn't believe him, "I don't know what I'd do without you. You are my everything and I just… I love you..." he finished in a frustrated sigh. I couldn't blame him. I was often frustrated that I couldn't find the proper words to express how much he meant to me.

"I know, Ezra."

I moved to reconnect our lips but he resisted again, "Promise me something?" he asked.

"Anything."

He leaned forward so his mouth was pressed to my ear, "Don't make me wake up from this dream," he whispered.

I smiled sweetly and turned my head, "I promise," I whispered back into his ear before moving my lips back to his.

He gently lifted me by my hips and placed me on the bed. I edged myself closer to the headboard and sat up as Ezra crawled onto the bed. The natural boyish smile that I loved so much came across his face as he moved towards me and I couldn't help but giggle quietly. Three and a half years later but he was still the same Ezra. We both lived separate lives and we both changed but in the end, after all the walls were broken down and we were left with only the raw material, we were simply Ezra Fitz and Aria Montgomery. He was a charming and unbelievably optimistic guy who, although he'd never admit this to anyone but me, couldn't help but believe in the magical qualities of true love and I was a stubborn girl who was forced to grow up before she even got the chance to know what it means to be innocent. Somehow in a world full of missed chances and lost connections we made it out on the other side. Together. In some mighty twist of fate, chance, luck, coincidence, whatever you want to call it, Ezra and I found each other. Not once, but twice. So as I looked at the image of Ezra with his natural boyish smile moving towards me I couldn't help but laugh in the face of whatever force it was that tried to separate us. I pulled his head forward with my right hand and crashed our lips together while my other hand flattened out against the bedspread, bracing myself as I laid down on my back and let Ezra settle on top of me. His right hand glided up my torso and back down my arm as he intertwined my fingers with his before raising our hands above my head, which was now resting delicately on a pillow. His lips moved from my mouth along my jawline and down my neck before reaching my collarbone and sloppily placing kisses on the surface of my skin. I slipped my fingers from his hand and his hair letting them find their way to the top of his jeans and fumble with the buttons.

The next morning I woke up and lazily threw my arm out to the side. I expected to come in contact with the warm skin of a certain English professor but was disappointed to find my arm was only met with empty sheets and air. I panicked for a moment, wondering if it was possible to have dreamt last night. My eyes shot open in fear before I quickly gathered my surroundings. I was in Ezra's bed and he was in the kitchen dressed in only his boxers waiting for the coffee to be ready. The machine beeped softly and I sat up, letting the sheets fall to my waist revealing my bare breasts. Ezra looked over and smiled at me as he got a mug from the cabinet.

"Good morning," he said cheerfully as he poured the coffee.

I groaned and crossed my arms over my chest to give myself some heat, "Good morning."

He laughed to himself as he put the pot back. I looked around for his shirt and saw it was across the room. Ezra followed my eyes and walked over, picking up his shirt and tossing it over to me before going back to the kitchen and leaning his back against the island counter, still smiling. I pulled the shirt over my head quickly and stepped out of the bed, finding and pulling my underwear on before meeting him in the kitchen to place a chaste kiss on his lips. I was exhausted and I reached for the mug Ezra had set beside him, lifting it to my lips and letting the caffeine enter my body. I heard Ezra chuckle and looked up to see him raising his eyebrows at me.

"What?" I asked.

"I thought you didn't drink coffee," he said with a smirk, wrapping his arms around my waist as I set the mug back on the counter.

"I thought you didn't sleep with students," I said back, matching his smirk.

He rolled his eyes playfully and pressed his lips to my forehead before he bent down to rest his forehead against mine again. It was a remarkable feeling being with Ezra Fitz. I didn't know it was possible to be missing such a large piece of myself for close to four years without noticing, but it was only now I realized how empty I had been. It was not the same feeling as codependency, for I knew that in the worst circumstances I could survive without him, but for the first time in a long time I felt whole again. There's a quote, I can't remember who said it (I think someone by the name of Jim Rohn) and it goes "Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present." I wasn't worried about the future, or the past for that matter. Yes, Ezra had been my past and I also hoped he would be in my future. But now? Now he was my present, and my present could be summed up all into one small yet meaningful word. Happiness.


End file.
